Hopeful Song

It has been about a year since the nights in which my minds eye started to contradict what my desires and passions told me I wanted. It has been about a year since the birthing pains of my heart of flesh broke through the stone.  It has been about a year since I started thanking God for not only letting me see Him, but also for letting me know His love. A year can make a huge difference.

As Christ died, so did the depravation and muddy emptiness in my heart.  As Christ lived, so did the joy and hopeful song in my heart. As one man's disobedience left me for dead before sin, so too did another man's obedience leave me alive and on my knees before God. Because I have died to the mastery of sin, how can I go back to the life I once lived?

I once was such that no one could save me, especially myself. No such savior existed.

"Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 6:19-23

Now I am such that I still cannot save myself, but a savior has arrived and He contests on my behalf.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children."


Romans 8:15-16

Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord of lords. I have the utmost respect for the work you are doing in me and all whom have been bought with the blood of Christ. Thank you, thank you, thank you King of kings. There is no God but You and You...are enough.

Amen.

The Orange Cat Dream

For the past couple of months, the Lord has been filling up my sleep with all types of interesting stories. It is so fun! I end up finding myself thinking about them all day - finding great joy and wonder in His grace, even while I sleep.

Today I had an awesome experience. Initially, when I wake up in the morning, I like to just lay there for 5 minutes and try to consciously remember what it is He gave me to think about while I was dreaming; but for some reason, today, I just couldn't remember.

I started driving to church and one of the first things that caught my eye right as I was turning the first corner was an orange cat snaking its way through some cacti and bushes. And then I remembered my dream:

There were 2 kittens on a table - a black kitten and an orange kitten. I couldn't take my eyes off of the orange kitten, it was just so darn cute. A person standing near me, who didn't realize I was quite taken with the orange kitten said, "The black ones are great. All people think that the orange ones are the most hideous creatures on the face of the planet." I was sort of surprised by this person's comment, not even realizing that someone might think that. Yet knowing that no one else on earth loved this kitten made me want it even more!

God was telling me (at least I think!) that He has given me the ability to love someone (in the future) sincerely and wholeheartedly that no one else loves. I sure can't wait to meet this "orange cat."

You Belong to The Day

I just finished reading the 1st letter Paul wrote to the Thessalonians in 50 AD and some verses stuck out to me in chapter 5:

2 :: ...the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night.

7-9 :: For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.

13-14 :: ...Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

16 :: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances...

19-21 :: Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good.

To speak to 1 Thessalonians 5:7-9, I encountered a point yesterday evening, in which I became extremely frustrated and troubled about a drunken person, someone in my family. First, I was angry and felt wronged by this person's inappropriate and hurtful words. I absolutely detest seeing full grown men drunk and that's just a truth about my personality, I suppose.

However secondly, and more importantly, I realized that instead of thinking about how this person may have wronged me - it was very much so more important to think about this person's own well-being...

It may be good to ask: why does he do this? To what a great extent is this person's soul burning with embarrassment and pride within? How much does he yearn to know the Lord and to love His Statutes, but cannot bring himself to understand something so wonderful?

I pray for an opened heart for him, that he may believe in the hope we have, because of Christ's work on the cross - in the existence of infinite goodness, just knocking on his door...

This realization and reminder that I am to love and not to judge him came mercifully from Galatians 6:1 when Paul wrote:

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.

Praise be to our Holy Father, who by the Words He left for us to know Him centuries after the fact of occurrence, may help sanctify me and give love to a man who has yet to know Him.

Amen.

Fresh Heart ---> Fresh Song

It is exactly 3 am. I just pulled my hand-me-down sweatshirt over my head and threw on the penguin pajama pants my dad gave me for Christmas a few years back. The New Moon film premier ended about a half hour ago and my drive home rendered me broken.

The first song I ever wrote, "Homegrown," kept playing in my head, so I began to sing it out loud in the quiet car. As I re-sang those words over again that I haven't thought about in so long; as I really heard my own heart on the past situation the song reveals...for the first time with new ears...I just broke down.

Oh - the hurt I must have caused in this boy of old. How sorry I am! I lead him on and used up his love, his...fragile heart. And then I claimed his friendship by selfishly, jealously holding onto him - deepening the wound. I believe this to be true.

What an evil act that was. I never knew. I never knew - all this time. I heard these terrible things in myself as I sang the lyrics I wrote 2 years ago and felt a deep upwelling to confess - not expecting or feeling as though I deserved love, but knowing that it was there waiting for me anyway just the same.

"It has to change," I kept thinking. So I began singing the melody with drastic manipulations and new words - though this time the words were addressed to God - the One they should have been sung to all along.

"Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - To him?
Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - what have I done?
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new,
Oh the world is beautiful."

How naked I felt to sing solely to God! No recording it for later listening - no one else to hear but...just Him. How uncontrolled that situation was...by me at least. How uncontrolled - my voice matched it so. Oh, to please Him! What a gift! "Amazing Grace" sums up exactly how I feel right now.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see."

Thank you Lord...for a wonderful night.

Amen

Morn of Sarcastic Mourners

Today was a special day in my life. Not because of anything externally seen, but simply an inward calm and peace. When I woke up this morning, I remembered my dream. In this dream was a man who occasionally appears and at random has proved a great source of distress, but not anymore. He was simply there - just a man, no intended harm, no kindly outreach either - but just there. Since I have seen the face of the Lord I have prayed for this distress to leave me once and for all. I had forgotten about those prayers until today.

God is faithful.

I now have the peace to move on from this distress, finally and completely. To move on to greater plans.

Before I was out the door to work, the first attack came in the form of unthoughtful words crafted to tear down my outward appearance - but my spirit was content and not willing to hear such things - the power of the Holy Spirit. The second attack came on a phone line not 10 minutes later, it was rebuke - knocking on my door. Rebuke hiding behind a sheet of fear, fear which calls itself love. It is not love, it is fear - do not mistake it!

And the battle stopped. What peace, what peace. Only blessings and fellowship from then on. The One Who protects and provides for the spirit never fails. Amen! Lord, work in the lives of those aching for You.

When might the people of our family in humanity,

Instead of using choice sarcasm for piercing and degradation,

Hold the tongue and fight the words of death?

Those words which blacken the heart and cast a veil of locusts over hope –

They come from a place of self-loathing, guilt,

A land called “The Loss of All Meaning.”

Lift up! The hearts of the people are in need and will soon perish.

Tear away the shadows from our eyes, oh God.

When parent rebukes child for a gaze casted upon love,

When elders shower youth with trivial idols and poisonous thoughts,

When the root of the heart desires to strangle the spirits of the people,

Ask, ask – in whom is sustenance exposed?

The foundations yield shifty paths for the foot,

We cannot walk here, please, we cannot walk here.

The sympathies of the masses do not appropriate wisdom nor humility.

Within the institution of family, the mind quivers until it goes numb.

All that was ever important, hidden in the heart of the people.

All this time, hidden in the heart of the people.

I come before Him tonight with sadness and gladness.

I realize now what a tender time that was – with the light shining in.

Thank You for loving Your people richly, truthfully, boldly.

You set apart what has rotted black – it leans against Your blinding beauty,

So that the contrast may be well seen.

You calm the anxious waters within the mind.

You calm the shuddering hands and give rest to each soul.

You are faithful in prayer. Lift up! The heart is turned toward the sun.

When I awake, my worries have melted away –

The Sender of messages to the sleeper.

What peace You gift the sinful human.

Since long ago the impatience stirs, forgetting the possibility of peace.

My spirit lies shredded and ripped, left as nothing,

Under great goodness and mercy.

If all I have is You, I have everything.

You grant knowledge with both heart and mind.

Enabling minds, understanding what is true and what is false.

Made with the joy of a child – humility full as the ocean.

Eyes crowded with tears, it is true, just knowing You.

The Day of Full Teaching

Today is November 1st, 2009. It is a Sunday. Even from the moment my eyes opened, I had peace. The usual confusion crept in now and again, that which causes me to stop and wonder about the eternal and how it applies to my heart and mind at the said time. As I popped my eyes open, the first sight I caught was my family's skinny, yet huge German Sheppard cuddled up next to me on top of the quilt - sometimes Dax can be a real sweetie, despite his intimidatingly dark coat and fierce name. I got out of bed and proceeded to make a doggy-breakfast and then my own human breakfast. Strawberry cereal. Yum. And coffee. Yum x 2. After every being in the house was provided for and happy, I continued to get ready and eventually shot out the front door in response to my sister-in-law's text message, reading, "We're here!" And we're off to church.

First up on the menu - Sunday School with Mr. Owen Anderson. Brief overview on some viewpoints of a few deep-thinkers, namely the sardonic Richard Dawkins (naturalist - biologist), Paul Davies (astrophysicist - abides by law of entropy - universe cannot be eternal), and C.S. Lewis (Liar, Lunatic, or Lord - Owen asks if these are really our only choices?). Differentiation between Apologetics (seeking to defend what one already believes) and Philosophy (seeking truth through presuppositional thinking). He comments that it is better to believe than not, yet better still to believe with foundations than without. A Reformed Epistemologist he says? A defender of fideism. Owen made compelling points on 2 issues thereafter. 1) That it is important not to attempt to "hook" or "sell" people into Christianity, but to allow the foundations of consistent truth be what sells them: conviction right here. 2) Adam, Eve, and Cain...they knew God existed - talked to Him throughout the day - probably knew God in an immediate, proximal way, but did they know God? For if they did know, would they disobey an all-good being who had just created them? Probably not.

Next on the menu: "The Kingdom of God" - here on earth, our wonderful pastor begins his sermon with, we are to rule over the earth and have dominion over it. A blessing. However, once sin was introduced - it too came under our dominion - we are to rule over the sin at our doorstep. Consider Genesis 4:6-7, when God speaks to Cain:

"Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

Amen? Sin is cumulative. A progression now to be an example: 1) You stop seeking after the Lord earnestly. 2) You give into the sin crouching at your doorstep and follow the desires of your heart, say some sort of sexual sin. 3) Your sin turns into perversion. 4) You are utterly consumed by your sin and have fallen into mindlessness and casualty. 5) You are a slave. You are in bondage. When we do not understand the Lord in depth, we are prone to react quickly through the sin in our heart and thus, the slavery becomes real. Have you ever felt this way?

Third item up: Institute for Cultural Influence - "Church & Family" - How do we reverse a false view on the institute of family in a culture? We begin with the origins of family - it roots from man and woman; Gen 1:27-28 says multiply and be fruitful in order that we may may know more fully the Truine relationship of God . Statistics overwhelmingly indicate kids with a mother and father are the most likely NOT to fall into drugs, sexual promiscuity, etc. Why are there not enough leaders in society who value this important institute? Because they were hurt by the same system...Thoughts of the panel for both family and church (taking the liberty to paraphrase):

Tracy - in response to the audiences mention of the real concern of "fear of commitment"

* It's scarier to think about life without commitment. (amen)

* You set each other free to be who you really are.

* Because we are hurt in relationships, we also heal through them.

Kristen

* Take confidence in knowing that God is preparing you for marriage right now and He is thinking about it, so we don't need to worry.

* It's impossible to be fully formed before going into marriage.

Andre

* It is key to view women in the church as daughters of God. (amen)

* Bring the church to those who don't understand the Lord yet by walking with them and not condemning.

Len

* Marriage plays the brutally important role of accountability - especially important when one is in full-time ministry.

* Do not allow the cultural view of mediocrity to be the standard on this or anything ordained by God.

Josh

* You need the heart of a servant to be in ministry - without it, you won't last long.

* Time is precious - do not waste it on things you know won't be glorifying.

Ronda

* If you were "passed a broken baton" through the examples given you in life of what relationships really are, don't let it stay broken before you pass it.

* "Assembling" in Hebrew means, "an ornament" that is beautiful to God. He loves when we come together in His name.

Is that a full day of wonderful teaching or what? Truly blessed. Thank you Lord for the amazing work being done in Your name that I am getting the gift of being able to watch! I pray that You teach us all to come to You each day with a childlike heart eager to see Your holy will, especially in these areas of our lives right now - family, knowledge, dominion, mastering sin, and church. Amen.

The Traits of Jesus

As I have been reading the New Testament for the first time - I am getting to see who Jesus is (the traits of God in human form), how he acts, how he speaks, what makes him unique as a human - and I'd like to note some of these things I'm witnessing. It may seem very elementary...very basic...and that's because it is. Where better to start from?

1. Named by God through a messenger (an angel)...Luke 2:21
2. Childhood of fleeing (Bethlehem > Egypt > Nazareth)...Matthew 2
3. An earthly mother who treasured him...Luke 2:51
4. An earthly father who was righteous...Matthew 1:19
5. Baptizes with the Holy Spirit and fire...Matthew 3:11
6. Allowed himself to be led by the Holy Spirit, with which he is filled...Matthew 4:1 & Luke 4:1
7. Does not test the Father and serves Him only...Matthew 4:7 & 10
8. Does not want others to be afraid...Luke 5:10, Mark 6:50
9. Knows what is in a person's heart...John 2: 25, Mark 2:8
10. His Father is spirit, so he worships Him with his own spirit...John 4:24

* Worship: adoring, revering, and devoting your thoughts, words, and actions to God.

11. Compassionate...Mark 1:41, Luke 15:20
12. Was lonely at times...Mark 1: 45
13. Calls people...Mark 2: 17
14. Does not want others to fast while he is with them...Mark 2:14-15

* Fasting: a symbol of mourning for the absence of the bridegroom

15. Creates rules for (the good of) people, not people for rules...Mark 2:27 & 3:4-5
16. Does not collect material treasures...Matthew 6:19
17. Calls it like it is - identifies the sin...Matthew 7:5
18. What comes from his mouth is the overflow from his heart...Luke 6:45
19. Raises people from physical death...Luke 7:14-15, Mark 5:41
20. Thinks words are important...Matthew 12:37, John 6:63
21. Loved to talk in parables...Matthew 13

* Parable: a simple story used for moral lessons.

22. Asks questions to make people think, not because he doesn't know...Mark 4:40
23. Experiences amazement...Mark 6:6
24. Is the ultimate judge...John 5:22-23
25. Can give others his divine power...Mark 6:7
26. Wants us to be shrewd and innocent...Matthew 10:16

* Shrewd: a sharp power for correct judgment, very perceptive.
* Innocent: free from guilt and moral wrong-doing.

27. Speaks to individuals in the dark...Matthew 10:27
28. Asks for us to love him more than all else, including people...Matthew 10:37
29. Gentle...Mark 6:31
30. Bold (and a bit sassy, if I do say so myself)...Matthew 14:16
31. Came to earth from heaven...John 6:33
32. Purpose: to do will of his Father...John 6:38-39
33. Doesn't like complaining...John 6:43
34. Rough...Mark 7:18
35. Teacher of all topics...Matthew 15:14
36. Reveals unbelief through question asking...Mark 9:23
37. Never turns away someone looking for help...Luke 9:41, Matthew 11:10
38. Greatly treasures childlike humility...Matthew 18:2-4, Mark 10:15

* Humility: believing oneself to be unimportant > a submissive, serving heart.

39. Greatly values an individual...Matthew 18:12-14, Luke 15:3-7
40. Heals through teaching...compare Mark 10:1 & Matthew 19:1-2
41. Filled with joy by the Holy Spirit...Luke 10:21
42. Desires us to find rest from burdens through submission...Matthew 11:28-30
43. Only asks us to worry about one thing...Luke 10:41-42
44. Asks us to gift what he has gifted...Luke 11:41
45. Exposes...Luke 12:3
46. Has power over our final destiny...Luke 12:4
47. Gives good reminders...Luke 17:10
48. Does not seek glory for himself...John 8:50
49. Does not impose natural evil to punish specific sin...John 9:3
50. Moves in people before they know him...John 9:11
51. Is a gate - must go through him...John 10:7-9
52. Indignant...Mark 10:13-15

* Indignant: feeling or showing anger or annoyance

53. Generous...Matthew 20:13-15
54. Proclaims to be God...John 10:33


I will be adding constantly to this list as I read more about Jesus' life. If anyone who reads this should find something I have written confusing or incorrect, please bring me your thoughts in an edifying way - I'd love to hear them.

Thank you my Holy Lord, for presenting me and all your people, with the blessing to read about and know your amazing Son.

Amen

Dangerous Prayer

Today a dear friend brought to me some of her real concerns...the main focus of which, was the seeking out of my own needs before others. Or in other words: selfishness. This area of my life is soooo important - and I pray for grace and sanctification, that I may always put others needs before my own. I failed to see what was really going on in her heart - something I may have deduced if I had thought about it deeply, but genuinely missed it. I came across this verse tonight as I thought over the situation like film on a reel, over and over again and found it really helpful.

"Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them."

Ezekiel 34:2-6

Today I prayed a dangerous prayer ~
I asked for an increase of discipline in my life ~
I asked for a heart that cares firstly for my sisters and brothers ~
In full assurance that my own needs are safe in Your hands ~
Above my own foolish thoughts and my own foolish words ~
What I desire most deeply is to help bare the struggles of others ~
To be a place of comfort and light ~
For the ability to nurture as a mother does ~
Lord, increase your amazing grace in my heart ~
Teach and discipline my soul, that my humility might be great ~
And my ears and eyes opened to Your blessed Wisdom ~
Make me fearful of evil - like your servant Job ~
Whatever it takes to deepen my understanding of You ~
I desire and utterly need it ~
As my blood requires oxygen, my spirit requires humility before You ~
Oh, how my evil heart spawns thoughts of unjustification ~
Lord, correct my understanding - for it is wrong ~
All others before myself, decrease my self-concern ~
Increase my understanding and correct me ~
Please forgive my apathy towards Your Knowledge ~
And instill once again a fiery passion for Your Truth ~
Because it is Good ~
Discipline me, Oh, Lord ~
I give my reverence and awe to only You ~

Amen ~

Hungry

As I was reading the Big Book tonight, I kept being touched - moved to Truth about who God is. He is quite a man, I tell ya! Haha - that may sound silly, but as I read, I kept imagining Him surrounded by men, just shining. It was Him who was the one the other men looked up to; who they loved; who they worshipped - in the most beautiful sense of the word. A good little mental picture I'll carry with me always.

Here are some of the verses that stuck out to me - moved me - and often to tears.

"My wrath will not be poured out on Jerusalem through Shisnak. They will, however, become subject to him, so that they may learn the difference between serving me and serving the kings of other lands."

- 2 Chronicles 12: 7-8

This one caught me off guard and made me think. You have to ask yourself when you read this..."Is there a time I can remember being under someone's authority...and not realizing how beautiful God's authority is until I was no longer subject to the former?" It doesn't even compare. When God, my beautiful Lord, turned my heart toward Him - when He caused my heart to desire the things of His heart - well, I'd never been so thankful for anything in my entire life. The sentiment I am talking about is this; it is found in Psalm 119: 167:

"I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly."

It's so beautiful, isn't it? And here is the next one - this caused the mental picture I mentioned earlier:

"For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared; he is more awesome than all who surround him." - Psalm 89: 6-7 of Ethan

I can just imagine Him in his most holy place - whatever that looks like; beyond imaginable splendor I would suppose. Here is the next one - they are so good; I could keep this up all night:

"Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God." - 2 Chronicles 14: 11 of Asa from the line of David

Asa, after a long line of disobedient and reckless men in the house of David, sought the Lord and turned his back on the ways of his father, Abijah. It's just so cool. Look at that verse; Asa is just throwing his whole heart and life in God's hands, completely trusting in Him. I want to do that! Here's another - I exceptionally like this one:

"All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side." - 2 Chronicles 15: 15

Lucky number 15 - because this was also Asa's 15th year reigning over Judah. However, Israel was still subject to the line of Jeroboam, although many under Jeroboam's rule fled to Asa, because they saw that he was seeking God for his people. I love this, because it shows how beautiful an oath is when we make it wholeheartedly. Just think about marriage - many get married, because they think it's time to "settle." But when our oaths come from the pits of our heart - they make us shout for joy, they make us seek God, and they give us rest perhaps sometimes as well.

And lastly, here's one more scripture...I'm only putting it down because it made me laugh. It made Judah sound like a bunch of pirates!

"They plundered all these villages, since there was much booty there."

- 2 Chronicles 14: 14

Because I found so much laughter from the pirate verse, I'm throwing a picture that made me laugh just as hard...hope it makes you giggle!

Master & Husband

The young woman who spoke at church this evening made a great point - and I wanted to write it out for memories sake. It seems to feed off the theme of milk as infants, meat and potatoes as mature adults. I am paraphrasing her here, but it was quite similar to this:

"I was saved when I was young, 11, at a Christan camp. When I went back to my home it was hard, because my family was in the middle of falling apart. When I spent time reading scripture from then through to high school, I felt like God was "pow pow-ing" me right between the eyes every time with a new truth. It was as if he was holding me in his arms, like a child, and it's probably exactly what I needed as everything else in my life fell apart. He was shouting His words at me, so that I couldn't miss them.

But then...it was as if I couldn't hear Him anymore. I thought, 'Did He leave?' 'Where are You?' 'Why aren't You answering my prayers?' But then I realized He never left, He just wasn't shouting at me anymore. He was whispering. He was teaching me to pursue Him."

What do I see here? Intimacy. Growth. A new way for God to show His love to her. To me. To you. Do you ever feel as though He isn't answering your prayers? Perhaps it's time to listen more carefully. God wants us to know Him better. Here is the example she gave:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.

- Hosea 2:14-16

Looking at that last verse, this is what I see: God - He is ALWAYS your master, always. He will never leave you. But this is Him shouting - this is Him holding us tight, which we need a lot of the time. And it is good. But there is more. What you have seen that is good...there is much more. He doesn't just want to be your master, but your husband. It doesn't get much more intimate than that. This is God whispering - teaching you to pursue...isn't that beautiful? What does it look like to be intimate with God, I'm not quite sure...but I sure want to find out, because in finding out, I get to know Him more and I can honestly say that there's nothing more I want in this entire Creation.

Without You I Am Blind

Father, my all good and eternal Father,
You have filled my heart with such love for others -
an overflowing spring, I am, with too much water to contain.
Oh, how you have honored my prayers, Lord.
My mind is lit with pure thoughts, it thinks of Your things.
The dark, sinful thoughts appear less, replaced by ways to glorify You.
But I cannot really glorify You Lord, can I?
It is You who is responsible for any goodness, not me.
I prayed to You, God - that You might use me.
You honor my requests, because You are faithful.

Lord, may I also ask of You this:
Why is there still such turmoil in the depths of my heart?
Why does my mind struggle so, in the presence of Your Grace?
Why, Lord? What use are these tears in my eyes to You?
I pray again, because You are gracious -
Show me my sin, Father -
show it to me so that I can understand it,
and in turn, submit it to You.
Lord, I desire to repent of this - but I am blind.
I cannot see anything without You.
I give this to You, Eternal Father,
so that You might shine Your light on it.

My hope is in You and from You and with You.
My eyes and ears, my heart and mind,
and my faith and trust...are in You, Jesus.
Come, fill up my heart with knowledge of You.
I can see You drawing me this way and not that.
Drawing something fantastic, but please...draw away,
So that I may see.

Amen.

Wild Wind Can't Fit In A Box

Lately, I’ve been a broken woman in the midst of my own self-realization; a pool of lies and disgusting sin. When you devote your life to God, you in turn devote your mind to learning about the life of Jesus and devote your heart to the workings of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I get lost in doing this.

I must confess that I was going about devotion all wrong. I was letting myself become “numb” to all the teachings, the words, the messages, the…everything. I was accepting them as common without understanding them fully. Is that how I came to know Christ? You can be sure that is absolutely not the case. Oh no, no, no. It came through a long series of talks, questions, and seeking. Why should I stop that now…now that I am Christian? Is that pleasing to God?

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t stop reading scripture or thinking constantly about it. But I was reading and thinking with a pre-acceptance of everything. I didn’t question. Today, as I was singing worship songs in church, I realized, “I don’t understand half of these concepts we are singing about.” Is it pleasing to God if I lift my voice, full of words I cannot claim to understand?

There is a quote I like that explains exactly what I have been doing these last couple weeks, though I cannot remember who said it. It went something along the lines of ‘I am dying of thirst next to the fountain.’ I have been continuously confused by my own confusion to understand the Lord lately.

Here He is, showing me my sin, and I have no idea what to do with it. I wasn’t ashamed, or guilt-stricken, but even worse…confused; upset that I couldn’t seem to make sense of it or change it. All I could think to do was confess it. Abraham Lincoln summed up this sentiment when he said:

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.”

I so badly wanted for God to just take away the sin so that I could be free of it and it’s confines. But you know what that does? It takes out the middle man – the understanding.

The whole point of this nonsensical seeming blurb was to say that I’ve been trying too hard to be what I think a “good Christian” is supposed to look like. But that’s not how God works…it is only in His timing that I learn about particular things. I’ve been going too hard on myself and not just enjoying where God has me.

I’ve been lacking the LOVE and ENCOURAGEMENT I became accustomed to receiving at home from my amazing friends. But what I didn't realize was...they were doing it through Him. So when I came here to New Zealand, I sought love and encouragement in new people and failed, while God was there all along cheering me on. He is the ultimate giver of such blessings. In Him is where we find them.

Lately, I’ve been thinking too hard and not letting Him show me the answers. The word usage of “spirit” in the bible derives from the Hebrew word for “wind” and “breath.” This is what the Holy Spirit is inside of us: a wild wind…a rush of living air. It is time to embrace Him and let Him loose, instead of boxing Him up. He is like a raging sea inside of us, just waiting for us to let go…

But that’s just lately.

Gracious Grace

I have been away from my writing for too long. It doesn’t feel right somehow to not…write to you, Lord. So, thank you Justine, my dearest friend, for challenging me to examine grace. “Grace” has always been a grey and abstract concept in my mind, so I’ve avoided it. But I’ve been called out for being timid and believing that I am too weak-minded to understand. God did not give any of us a mind that cannot grasp that which is glorifying to Him, and it is indeed glorifying to Him to know Him, understand Him, and confess that knowledge.

So here we go – Lord be with me as we clean up this muddy area. Grant me understanding.

First off, how did the idea of grace even get brought up in our conversation, Justine? We were talking about shame and guilt. Of these two things I have been the queen for far too long. Sometimes they surround me, like a room full of locked doors or drown me, like thick, heavy quicksand. There have been times when I was so ashamed I wished God would just strike me down right then and there. But did He? No, of course not. What did He do instead? He simply whispered into my ear, “confess.” Oh Father, you are so good. I am brought to my knees by your goodness. You humble my heart and take away the shame. Thank you God.

But before I could understand how grace applied to any of this gross shame/guilt stuff, I had to ask, “What is grace?” To that, I found many different answers. Not contradictory, but complementary instead. Just like the nature of man and the nature of God. So here is what I have discovered about the meaning of grace:

1) It originates from the same Hebrew word for “favor” or “gift.” So grace…is a gift. What kind of gift?

2) You never see “the grace of something or other” written in the bible. It’s simply written as “grace.” So, whatever is part of this gift is implied in the singular word. It’s a loaded word; hence, it must be a loaded gift. Well, it’s a gift from God, so what did we expect? (haha) Grace, what are you?

3) Grace is apparently not just the gift of one thing, as shown through the following verses, but many. Let’s look at the different things grace, this gift, can be:

A) Acts 18:27 says “On arriving, he was a great help to those who by grace had believed.” So we can see that believing is a gift. We do not believe without it.

B) Romans 3:23-24 says “For all have sinned…and are justified freely by his grace.” So this shows us that this gift includes justification. We are justified. No more self-justification or justification from God’s wrath? That sounds good. No more penalty (because being justified would imply paying something). What did I pay? Nothing. We are justified freely.

C) 2 Corinthians 1:2, amongst a plethora of other passages, says “Grace and peace to you from God.” I have found that grace, whatever this gift might be, is almost always referenced with “peace.” So grace and peace must be very closely related.

D) Galatians 2:21 says “I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” We can see here this grace, this gift of God, includes righteousness. Whoa. That’s big. Considering that what keeps us away from God is our sin, our neglect and lack of righteousness, and that our goal is to be closer to God, this is a big gift! Our Lord is giving us a way to be closer to Him! That’s exactly what I want.

E) Ephesians 2:7 says “…in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” This shows that God’s grace is expressed through kindness. Our God is kind.

F) And last, but not least, Thessalonians 2:16-17 says “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” So grace is the gift of encouragement and hope for the rest of your days. Mmmm, that sounds goooooood.

Wooo! That’s a lot of information for my little head! Let’s take a breather. (big gulp of air) Ok, recap time: So, “grace” is a gift from God. This gift gives us tons of cool stuff: belief, justification, peace, righteousness, kindness, encouragement, hope…and it’s free. Let’s keep going, shall we?

4) What can we know about a gift given by God? Romans 11:29 tells us that “God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable.” His gifts can’t be reversed. Once it is given, it is given. Once it is done, it is done. Once it is finished…it is finished. Grace is final. All those things given to us are final. Forever. Encouragement? Hope? Yours for now and for always.

5) I think something that is extremely important to note is that rarely is the “grace of God” written about without being referenced to Jesus. Jesus seems to be central to grace. It is clearly through Him that we were given grace. John 1:17 says “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” This is where I make the mistake, being buried in the Old Testament constantly – to understand God, I must understand Jesus, duh!

6) How is such an amazing gift given by and through Jesus? Being rescued from a life of disbelief is a BIG deal. It must have cost a BIG price. Hebrews 2:9 says “But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.” Tasted death. That is a big price. This poor, beautiful man was given over to death. The lover of your soul and my soul. A God who can do nothing but good…died.

Man this is a long post. But that’s okay, it’s important. I want to finish confessing what I’ve learned about grace tonight and figure out how it applies to us all, everyday.

7) Can “grace” be forfeited even though it is free? Yes. Jonah 2:8 says “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” I’m not exactly sure how this works, but apparently by clinging to things not of God, we refuse to have our hearts renewed, which comes through Jesus. It is important to not take such a gift in vain.

8) This is an immense gift imparted on me and it is so good. How do I show grace to other people? Colossians 4:6 says “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” To show grace to others, we need to prepare ourselves to converse with flavorful answers – or in other words: truth. (I need more work on this!) Where does grace lie? According to John 1:3, grace, as well as mercy and peace, can be found in truth and love. Perfection.

God wants us to have hope, encouragement, love, kindness and so many other things in our lives…so He gave us grace. And He gave it to us through Jesus. And for all this He just asks us to love Him and seek Him with our whole-heart? I don’t understand, Lord. You are so kind. You are the literal epitome of kindness…but you love me. You have set me free from my disbelief and un-seeking heart – so free I must be (John 8:36)!

There is so much more I could say about grace, but let me just leave it with this: if God wants us to be all these things, then He must not want us to be ashamed and guilt-stricken. He just wants us to be humble…to have humility before Him, as we should…to not be afraid of this, for He loves us infinitely. I did not realize until today that shame and humility could be separate.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” If humility is what you ask for, humble-hearted I will be, Lord. I will not be ashamed, for You love me.

Amen, Hallelujah, Praise Jesus.

My heart is restored.

Clarity Leads to the Cross

I just got out of my class on Christian Theology and am thankful to be able to study about Jesus in a school setting, as savior, which by many universities standards, is an unimportant, irreverent study.

I feel somewhat safe in “opening up my ears” in this class, because the professor is a priest and philosopher, so although he may not know everything, like any human being, I am comforted by the fact that he has a general goal of explaining Truth to students through a godly perspective.

With that said, we were discussing early considerations of the understanding of Jesus as God and man while on earth. Throughout the lecture, I was keeping up with the material, yet becoming more confused. I asked Jesus to help me understand Him and prayed to help turn the confusion of His nature into clear ideas I could grasp. At the end of the lecture, we looked at the resolution reached at The Council of Chalcedon, which took place in 451 CE. It says this:

“In Christ there are two natures, human and divine, coexisting in one person, and the oneness of the person makes it appropriate to apply the predicates of either nature to the other.” This is the concept of ‘communicatio idiomatum’ or ‘communication of idioms’.

This made it so much clearer to me. I smiled and even got a bit teary-eyed as I listened to our teacher read us these words. Leo the Great stated it this way “[Jesus’] natures are separate principles of operation, though always acting in concert.” Or in other words, divine nature and the nature man was created with do not oppose, but are meant to work together perfectly. Man’s nature was meant to work in harmony with God. Therefore, Jesus with two natures, divine and temporal, worked within Him in concert, not opposing in any way.

As I grasped this idea, I allowed (actually, I couldn’t really help it) my mind to wander. It wandered to an image of the cross – the day Jesus was crucified. I credit the inspiration of this mental image to Nichole Nordeman’s song “Why,” which creates the picture of a little girl staring up at Jesus as he slowly dies, asking her dad, “Why doesn’t Jesus fight off these men? I thought you said He was stronger than all of them?” An extremely interesting song, perhaps for another blog? Anyway, I’ll continue.

So, this mental image, running like a movie in the concave of my forehead, was of me, standing in front of the cross, as Jesus hung dying. I was filled with anger and fury for all those people cheering on his demise and soaking up his pain, as if it were food for their devouring.

Full of hate, the next picture ran across my mind, like water to wine. I was clinging to Jesus with all my strength, hugging his cold body on the ground, still attached to the cross. I looked at Him like he were my best friend; the person I wanted to talk to first thing in the morning and last thing before I fell asleep. He was my ultimate source of joy, my teacher of love.

I stroked His face and wished I could take away His pain more than anything in the world. As I cried over His lifeless body, His eyes opened for a moment and looked right into my heart. He was surely dead, but He was also surely alive. After His eyes closed, my anger subsided. I didn’t feel hatred for these people around me! I felt hopeful and sad, despairing and love – all in one.

They were blind. Their eyes were open, but surely closed, just as Jesus was surely alive. They didn’t understand, for they were fools! Fools who didn’t understand goodness, love, light. They didn’t understand what Jesus had done, so they smirked and laughed at His crucifixion. They were more lost than me.

I was filled with compassion for their foolish hearts. They needed our Lord, the only true God, to fill them. To make them new. To teach them. To open their eyes. They needed God to teach them what love is. And I was there to help!

Lord, teach me to love, that all those I encounter see you dwelling in me. I want you to rest in me, as I so peacefully am granted to rest in you. Teach me to love Jesus.

Amen.

A Guy Just Trying To Find His Way

I met a young man last week with whom I can’t help but relate. We have hung out at least five times since we met and each time the conversation is interesting and rich, teeming at the brim with questions about religion. Tonight, something he said really stuck with me – it keeps echoing in my ears.

He told me his father is Jewish and his mother Catholic. When they married, neither would convert, but they compromised their beliefs by not following in the traditions of their faiths. They quit going to church or temple, quit taking up their daily cross, and quit observing the Sabbath. They thought in order to have a successful, loving marriage, this was necessary.

Double check: they felt it necessary to give up their faith in order to live in harmony. My heart groaned when he told me this. Never should a person have to give up their faith! But if one is willing to give up seeking the Lord, perhaps they never were seeking and following Him in the first place. Perhaps his parents were never really seeking at all, I don’t know.

This poor guy, as I can completely understand, is confused. With two parents of differing religions, two parents that cannot claim the ultimate truth in their own faith, it is a no wonder why he doesn’t know where to begin. Neither parent can answer nor witness to their own claimed faith. And neither parent finds truth enough in their own faith to search out these answers to lead their son in the right direction --- towards God. Towards Jesus. Lord, lead him to the cross. He is asking all the right questions. I just pray that you can use me to help answer those for him. I can see him struggling inwards for this peace you have given me. God, please, just love on him like you did on me.

This young man also said he felt everyone has a purpose in life and he thinks his is to get married. He feels that is the end goal of his life. And as I know it is a good, wonderful union to be married, it is not the end goal. When two people are married, the marriage itself shouldn’t be the purpose of their lives. The purposes of the two separate people should be one in the same: to seek to know and understand God for themselves and others, and in doing so, to glorify Him. When they marry each other with this same purpose in common, they get to be a team in seeking God! The ultimate partner. That is what he really wants. When I asked him if this sounded like it might be a good alternative to his current belief, he breathed in heavily and said, “That sounds glorious.” Why isn’t this man a Christian yet, I don’t know. But I have a feeling, God, that you’re working in him right now as we speak.

Back to his parents and their opposing worldviews, he said something else that was very interesting. He said, “I’m just confused. How can you be so sure of something?” And then in his own confusion he just kept mumbling, “Love.” He wanted to know why “love” couldn’t just be the center of a marriage. Lord, are you asking me to show him what love is? That it is not just a feeling towards someone? That it is a life-choice to seek to know and understand You for yourself as well as your husband or wife? That love is a choice to seek your Word through Jesus all the days of your life? Oh God, you are glorious. Show me the way, show me what to do.

Teach me. Use me. I am yours. Amen.

Aim to Explain the Claim

Last Thursday night was interesting. I went out on the town (not to paint it red, mind you) in Hamilton – my first experience of the nightlife since moving to New Zealand. Good time, definitely had fun: lots of dancing and bright lights, haha! Two of the other American exchange students and I decided we didn’t need to stay out til’ 3 a.m., which is when the bars close and most people surrender their bottles to head home. We had already been downtown a couple of hours and it was midnight – so we walked back to the bus stop to see if the bus still ran that late. No, we found out to our dismay, it does not. Soooo, instead of using money on a cab – we figured we’d just walk – see how long of a stroll it is back to the Uni anyway (not that far actually, maybe 25 minutes – and hey, it’s summer time in New Zealand).

We walked by a big ole’ honkin’ church and then an interesting conversation happened between my new humorously (at least for me) awkward friend, James, and me:

Me: “Oh cool! Check it out – a church. I’ve been looking for one since we got here! I wonder what kind it is?”
James: “It’s looks like it’s a Catholic Church. Yup! That’s what the sign says.”
Me: “Ah, crap. So was the last one!”
James: “Y’know…I’m Catholic.”
Me: “You are?”
James: “Ya!”
Me: “Are you really Catholic?”
James: “Ya. I’m Catholic.”
Me: “Oh cool. Are you going to church on Sunday?”
James: “Well, I’m not practicing.”
Me: “So…you aren’t actually Catholic….”
James: “I grew up that way --- Catholic. What do you mean?”
Me: “I mean – do you actually believe…what Catholicism teaches – that there is universal truth?”
James: “Wha...wha…wait. What are you talking about?”
Me: “Catholicism. Universality. The word “Catholic” means “universal.” Catholics claim that truth is universal. Do you believe it is? Y’know, as opposed to everything being relative? Catholicism is opposed to relativity.”
James: “Well…I don’t know about all that stuff.”
Me: “Oh, ok. That’s okay. I definitely believe in universal truth, but we don’t have to talk about all this stuff if you don’t want. I totally don’t mind.”
James: “What are you?”
Me: “I’m Christian! I’m just not Catholic.”
James: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Well, they both believe in Jesus as their savior – just lots of stuff. We can totally talk about it all sometime if you want. I love this stuff. I’ll be studying a lot about it this semester, but we don’t have to right now if you don’t want!”
James: “Ok.”
Me: “Ok.”
James: “I think we turn left here.”
(Other kid with us who has been in utter silence the whole time, to the left turn says, “cool.”)

My mental state since I have been here has been partial internal chuckle (for all the conversations like these) and partial broken-heartedness (for all the conversations like these). We, as the human-race, are so unaware of our own neglect for consistency in the very thinking that makes up our own basic belief systems.

God – I pray that you keep exposing us for all the abuse and hurt we cause you and one another by our own unwillingness to seek you. You are so good and so right and so pure and so…you. Your truth is brilliant and bright and I am just so thankful that I get to be a part of it.

Amen.