Fresh Heart ---> Fresh Song

It is exactly 3 am. I just pulled my hand-me-down sweatshirt over my head and threw on the penguin pajama pants my dad gave me for Christmas a few years back. The New Moon film premier ended about a half hour ago and my drive home rendered me broken.

The first song I ever wrote, "Homegrown," kept playing in my head, so I began to sing it out loud in the quiet car. As I re-sang those words over again that I haven't thought about in so long; as I really heard my own heart on the past situation the song reveals...for the first time with new ears...I just broke down.

Oh - the hurt I must have caused in this boy of old. How sorry I am! I lead him on and used up his love, his...fragile heart. And then I claimed his friendship by selfishly, jealously holding onto him - deepening the wound. I believe this to be true.

What an evil act that was. I never knew. I never knew - all this time. I heard these terrible things in myself as I sang the lyrics I wrote 2 years ago and felt a deep upwelling to confess - not expecting or feeling as though I deserved love, but knowing that it was there waiting for me anyway just the same.

"It has to change," I kept thinking. So I began singing the melody with drastic manipulations and new words - though this time the words were addressed to God - the One they should have been sung to all along.

"Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - To him?
Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - what have I done?
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new,
Oh the world is beautiful."

How naked I felt to sing solely to God! No recording it for later listening - no one else to hear but...just Him. How uncontrolled that situation was...by me at least. How uncontrolled - my voice matched it so. Oh, to please Him! What a gift! "Amazing Grace" sums up exactly how I feel right now.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see."

Thank you Lord...for a wonderful night.

Amen

Morn of Sarcastic Mourners

Today was a special day in my life. Not because of anything externally seen, but simply an inward calm and peace. When I woke up this morning, I remembered my dream. In this dream was a man who occasionally appears and at random has proved a great source of distress, but not anymore. He was simply there - just a man, no intended harm, no kindly outreach either - but just there. Since I have seen the face of the Lord I have prayed for this distress to leave me once and for all. I had forgotten about those prayers until today.

God is faithful.

I now have the peace to move on from this distress, finally and completely. To move on to greater plans.

Before I was out the door to work, the first attack came in the form of unthoughtful words crafted to tear down my outward appearance - but my spirit was content and not willing to hear such things - the power of the Holy Spirit. The second attack came on a phone line not 10 minutes later, it was rebuke - knocking on my door. Rebuke hiding behind a sheet of fear, fear which calls itself love. It is not love, it is fear - do not mistake it!

And the battle stopped. What peace, what peace. Only blessings and fellowship from then on. The One Who protects and provides for the spirit never fails. Amen! Lord, work in the lives of those aching for You.

When might the people of our family in humanity,

Instead of using choice sarcasm for piercing and degradation,

Hold the tongue and fight the words of death?

Those words which blacken the heart and cast a veil of locusts over hope –

They come from a place of self-loathing, guilt,

A land called “The Loss of All Meaning.”

Lift up! The hearts of the people are in need and will soon perish.

Tear away the shadows from our eyes, oh God.

When parent rebukes child for a gaze casted upon love,

When elders shower youth with trivial idols and poisonous thoughts,

When the root of the heart desires to strangle the spirits of the people,

Ask, ask – in whom is sustenance exposed?

The foundations yield shifty paths for the foot,

We cannot walk here, please, we cannot walk here.

The sympathies of the masses do not appropriate wisdom nor humility.

Within the institution of family, the mind quivers until it goes numb.

All that was ever important, hidden in the heart of the people.

All this time, hidden in the heart of the people.

I come before Him tonight with sadness and gladness.

I realize now what a tender time that was – with the light shining in.

Thank You for loving Your people richly, truthfully, boldly.

You set apart what has rotted black – it leans against Your blinding beauty,

So that the contrast may be well seen.

You calm the anxious waters within the mind.

You calm the shuddering hands and give rest to each soul.

You are faithful in prayer. Lift up! The heart is turned toward the sun.

When I awake, my worries have melted away –

The Sender of messages to the sleeper.

What peace You gift the sinful human.

Since long ago the impatience stirs, forgetting the possibility of peace.

My spirit lies shredded and ripped, left as nothing,

Under great goodness and mercy.

If all I have is You, I have everything.

You grant knowledge with both heart and mind.

Enabling minds, understanding what is true and what is false.

Made with the joy of a child – humility full as the ocean.

Eyes crowded with tears, it is true, just knowing You.