Fresh Heart ---> Fresh Song

It is exactly 3 am. I just pulled my hand-me-down sweatshirt over my head and threw on the penguin pajama pants my dad gave me for Christmas a few years back. The New Moon film premier ended about a half hour ago and my drive home rendered me broken.

The first song I ever wrote, "Homegrown," kept playing in my head, so I began to sing it out loud in the quiet car. As I re-sang those words over again that I haven't thought about in so long; as I really heard my own heart on the past situation the song reveals...for the first time with new ears...I just broke down.

Oh - the hurt I must have caused in this boy of old. How sorry I am! I lead him on and used up his love, his...fragile heart. And then I claimed his friendship by selfishly, jealously holding onto him - deepening the wound. I believe this to be true.

What an evil act that was. I never knew. I never knew - all this time. I heard these terrible things in myself as I sang the lyrics I wrote 2 years ago and felt a deep upwelling to confess - not expecting or feeling as though I deserved love, but knowing that it was there waiting for me anyway just the same.

"It has to change," I kept thinking. So I began singing the melody with drastic manipulations and new words - though this time the words were addressed to God - the One they should have been sung to all along.

"Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - To him?
Hey Lord - what have I done? What have I done - what have I done?
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Hey Lord - now I can see. Now I can see - the darkness in me.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Thank you - now I can see. Now I can see - You.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new.
Hey Lord - thank you for letting me see new,
Oh the world is beautiful."

How naked I felt to sing solely to God! No recording it for later listening - no one else to hear but...just Him. How uncontrolled that situation was...by me at least. How uncontrolled - my voice matched it so. Oh, to please Him! What a gift! "Amazing Grace" sums up exactly how I feel right now.

"Amazing grace how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind but now I see."

Thank you Lord...for a wonderful night.

Amen

Morn of Sarcastic Mourners

Today was a special day in my life. Not because of anything externally seen, but simply an inward calm and peace. When I woke up this morning, I remembered my dream. In this dream was a man who occasionally appears and at random has proved a great source of distress, but not anymore. He was simply there - just a man, no intended harm, no kindly outreach either - but just there. Since I have seen the face of the Lord I have prayed for this distress to leave me once and for all. I had forgotten about those prayers until today.

God is faithful.

I now have the peace to move on from this distress, finally and completely. To move on to greater plans.

Before I was out the door to work, the first attack came in the form of unthoughtful words crafted to tear down my outward appearance - but my spirit was content and not willing to hear such things - the power of the Holy Spirit. The second attack came on a phone line not 10 minutes later, it was rebuke - knocking on my door. Rebuke hiding behind a sheet of fear, fear which calls itself love. It is not love, it is fear - do not mistake it!

And the battle stopped. What peace, what peace. Only blessings and fellowship from then on. The One Who protects and provides for the spirit never fails. Amen! Lord, work in the lives of those aching for You.

When might the people of our family in humanity,

Instead of using choice sarcasm for piercing and degradation,

Hold the tongue and fight the words of death?

Those words which blacken the heart and cast a veil of locusts over hope –

They come from a place of self-loathing, guilt,

A land called “The Loss of All Meaning.”

Lift up! The hearts of the people are in need and will soon perish.

Tear away the shadows from our eyes, oh God.

When parent rebukes child for a gaze casted upon love,

When elders shower youth with trivial idols and poisonous thoughts,

When the root of the heart desires to strangle the spirits of the people,

Ask, ask – in whom is sustenance exposed?

The foundations yield shifty paths for the foot,

We cannot walk here, please, we cannot walk here.

The sympathies of the masses do not appropriate wisdom nor humility.

Within the institution of family, the mind quivers until it goes numb.

All that was ever important, hidden in the heart of the people.

All this time, hidden in the heart of the people.

I come before Him tonight with sadness and gladness.

I realize now what a tender time that was – with the light shining in.

Thank You for loving Your people richly, truthfully, boldly.

You set apart what has rotted black – it leans against Your blinding beauty,

So that the contrast may be well seen.

You calm the anxious waters within the mind.

You calm the shuddering hands and give rest to each soul.

You are faithful in prayer. Lift up! The heart is turned toward the sun.

When I awake, my worries have melted away –

The Sender of messages to the sleeper.

What peace You gift the sinful human.

Since long ago the impatience stirs, forgetting the possibility of peace.

My spirit lies shredded and ripped, left as nothing,

Under great goodness and mercy.

If all I have is You, I have everything.

You grant knowledge with both heart and mind.

Enabling minds, understanding what is true and what is false.

Made with the joy of a child – humility full as the ocean.

Eyes crowded with tears, it is true, just knowing You.

The Day of Full Teaching

Today is November 1st, 2009. It is a Sunday. Even from the moment my eyes opened, I had peace. The usual confusion crept in now and again, that which causes me to stop and wonder about the eternal and how it applies to my heart and mind at the said time. As I popped my eyes open, the first sight I caught was my family's skinny, yet huge German Sheppard cuddled up next to me on top of the quilt - sometimes Dax can be a real sweetie, despite his intimidatingly dark coat and fierce name. I got out of bed and proceeded to make a doggy-breakfast and then my own human breakfast. Strawberry cereal. Yum. And coffee. Yum x 2. After every being in the house was provided for and happy, I continued to get ready and eventually shot out the front door in response to my sister-in-law's text message, reading, "We're here!" And we're off to church.

First up on the menu - Sunday School with Mr. Owen Anderson. Brief overview on some viewpoints of a few deep-thinkers, namely the sardonic Richard Dawkins (naturalist - biologist), Paul Davies (astrophysicist - abides by law of entropy - universe cannot be eternal), and C.S. Lewis (Liar, Lunatic, or Lord - Owen asks if these are really our only choices?). Differentiation between Apologetics (seeking to defend what one already believes) and Philosophy (seeking truth through presuppositional thinking). He comments that it is better to believe than not, yet better still to believe with foundations than without. A Reformed Epistemologist he says? A defender of fideism. Owen made compelling points on 2 issues thereafter. 1) That it is important not to attempt to "hook" or "sell" people into Christianity, but to allow the foundations of consistent truth be what sells them: conviction right here. 2) Adam, Eve, and Cain...they knew God existed - talked to Him throughout the day - probably knew God in an immediate, proximal way, but did they know God? For if they did know, would they disobey an all-good being who had just created them? Probably not.

Next on the menu: "The Kingdom of God" - here on earth, our wonderful pastor begins his sermon with, we are to rule over the earth and have dominion over it. A blessing. However, once sin was introduced - it too came under our dominion - we are to rule over the sin at our doorstep. Consider Genesis 4:6-7, when God speaks to Cain:

"Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

Amen? Sin is cumulative. A progression now to be an example: 1) You stop seeking after the Lord earnestly. 2) You give into the sin crouching at your doorstep and follow the desires of your heart, say some sort of sexual sin. 3) Your sin turns into perversion. 4) You are utterly consumed by your sin and have fallen into mindlessness and casualty. 5) You are a slave. You are in bondage. When we do not understand the Lord in depth, we are prone to react quickly through the sin in our heart and thus, the slavery becomes real. Have you ever felt this way?

Third item up: Institute for Cultural Influence - "Church & Family" - How do we reverse a false view on the institute of family in a culture? We begin with the origins of family - it roots from man and woman; Gen 1:27-28 says multiply and be fruitful in order that we may may know more fully the Truine relationship of God . Statistics overwhelmingly indicate kids with a mother and father are the most likely NOT to fall into drugs, sexual promiscuity, etc. Why are there not enough leaders in society who value this important institute? Because they were hurt by the same system...Thoughts of the panel for both family and church (taking the liberty to paraphrase):

Tracy - in response to the audiences mention of the real concern of "fear of commitment"

* It's scarier to think about life without commitment. (amen)

* You set each other free to be who you really are.

* Because we are hurt in relationships, we also heal through them.

Kristen

* Take confidence in knowing that God is preparing you for marriage right now and He is thinking about it, so we don't need to worry.

* It's impossible to be fully formed before going into marriage.

Andre

* It is key to view women in the church as daughters of God. (amen)

* Bring the church to those who don't understand the Lord yet by walking with them and not condemning.

Len

* Marriage plays the brutally important role of accountability - especially important when one is in full-time ministry.

* Do not allow the cultural view of mediocrity to be the standard on this or anything ordained by God.

Josh

* You need the heart of a servant to be in ministry - without it, you won't last long.

* Time is precious - do not waste it on things you know won't be glorifying.

Ronda

* If you were "passed a broken baton" through the examples given you in life of what relationships really are, don't let it stay broken before you pass it.

* "Assembling" in Hebrew means, "an ornament" that is beautiful to God. He loves when we come together in His name.

Is that a full day of wonderful teaching or what? Truly blessed. Thank you Lord for the amazing work being done in Your name that I am getting the gift of being able to watch! I pray that You teach us all to come to You each day with a childlike heart eager to see Your holy will, especially in these areas of our lives right now - family, knowledge, dominion, mastering sin, and church. Amen.

The Traits of Jesus

As I have been reading the New Testament for the first time - I am getting to see who Jesus is (the traits of God in human form), how he acts, how he speaks, what makes him unique as a human - and I'd like to note some of these things I'm witnessing. It may seem very elementary...very basic...and that's because it is. Where better to start from?

1. Named by God through a messenger (an angel)...Luke 2:21
2. Childhood of fleeing (Bethlehem > Egypt > Nazareth)...Matthew 2
3. An earthly mother who treasured him...Luke 2:51
4. An earthly father who was righteous...Matthew 1:19
5. Baptizes with the Holy Spirit and fire...Matthew 3:11
6. Allowed himself to be led by the Holy Spirit, with which he is filled...Matthew 4:1 & Luke 4:1
7. Does not test the Father and serves Him only...Matthew 4:7 & 10
8. Does not want others to be afraid...Luke 5:10, Mark 6:50
9. Knows what is in a person's heart...John 2: 25, Mark 2:8
10. His Father is spirit, so he worships Him with his own spirit...John 4:24

* Worship: adoring, revering, and devoting your thoughts, words, and actions to God.

11. Compassionate...Mark 1:41, Luke 15:20
12. Was lonely at times...Mark 1: 45
13. Calls people...Mark 2: 17
14. Does not want others to fast while he is with them...Mark 2:14-15

* Fasting: a symbol of mourning for the absence of the bridegroom

15. Creates rules for (the good of) people, not people for rules...Mark 2:27 & 3:4-5
16. Does not collect material treasures...Matthew 6:19
17. Calls it like it is - identifies the sin...Matthew 7:5
18. What comes from his mouth is the overflow from his heart...Luke 6:45
19. Raises people from physical death...Luke 7:14-15, Mark 5:41
20. Thinks words are important...Matthew 12:37, John 6:63
21. Loved to talk in parables...Matthew 13

* Parable: a simple story used for moral lessons.

22. Asks questions to make people think, not because he doesn't know...Mark 4:40
23. Experiences amazement...Mark 6:6
24. Is the ultimate judge...John 5:22-23
25. Can give others his divine power...Mark 6:7
26. Wants us to be shrewd and innocent...Matthew 10:16

* Shrewd: a sharp power for correct judgment, very perceptive.
* Innocent: free from guilt and moral wrong-doing.

27. Speaks to individuals in the dark...Matthew 10:27
28. Asks for us to love him more than all else, including people...Matthew 10:37
29. Gentle...Mark 6:31
30. Bold (and a bit sassy, if I do say so myself)...Matthew 14:16
31. Came to earth from heaven...John 6:33
32. Purpose: to do will of his Father...John 6:38-39
33. Doesn't like complaining...John 6:43
34. Rough...Mark 7:18
35. Teacher of all topics...Matthew 15:14
36. Reveals unbelief through question asking...Mark 9:23
37. Never turns away someone looking for help...Luke 9:41, Matthew 11:10
38. Greatly treasures childlike humility...Matthew 18:2-4, Mark 10:15

* Humility: believing oneself to be unimportant > a submissive, serving heart.

39. Greatly values an individual...Matthew 18:12-14, Luke 15:3-7
40. Heals through teaching...compare Mark 10:1 & Matthew 19:1-2
41. Filled with joy by the Holy Spirit...Luke 10:21
42. Desires us to find rest from burdens through submission...Matthew 11:28-30
43. Only asks us to worry about one thing...Luke 10:41-42
44. Asks us to gift what he has gifted...Luke 11:41
45. Exposes...Luke 12:3
46. Has power over our final destiny...Luke 12:4
47. Gives good reminders...Luke 17:10
48. Does not seek glory for himself...John 8:50
49. Does not impose natural evil to punish specific sin...John 9:3
50. Moves in people before they know him...John 9:11
51. Is a gate - must go through him...John 10:7-9
52. Indignant...Mark 10:13-15

* Indignant: feeling or showing anger or annoyance

53. Generous...Matthew 20:13-15
54. Proclaims to be God...John 10:33


I will be adding constantly to this list as I read more about Jesus' life. If anyone who reads this should find something I have written confusing or incorrect, please bring me your thoughts in an edifying way - I'd love to hear them.

Thank you my Holy Lord, for presenting me and all your people, with the blessing to read about and know your amazing Son.

Amen

Dangerous Prayer

Today a dear friend brought to me some of her real concerns...the main focus of which, was the seeking out of my own needs before others. Or in other words: selfishness. This area of my life is soooo important - and I pray for grace and sanctification, that I may always put others needs before my own. I failed to see what was really going on in her heart - something I may have deduced if I had thought about it deeply, but genuinely missed it. I came across this verse tonight as I thought over the situation like film on a reel, over and over again and found it really helpful.

"Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them."

Ezekiel 34:2-6

Today I prayed a dangerous prayer ~
I asked for an increase of discipline in my life ~
I asked for a heart that cares firstly for my sisters and brothers ~
In full assurance that my own needs are safe in Your hands ~
Above my own foolish thoughts and my own foolish words ~
What I desire most deeply is to help bare the struggles of others ~
To be a place of comfort and light ~
For the ability to nurture as a mother does ~
Lord, increase your amazing grace in my heart ~
Teach and discipline my soul, that my humility might be great ~
And my ears and eyes opened to Your blessed Wisdom ~
Make me fearful of evil - like your servant Job ~
Whatever it takes to deepen my understanding of You ~
I desire and utterly need it ~
As my blood requires oxygen, my spirit requires humility before You ~
Oh, how my evil heart spawns thoughts of unjustification ~
Lord, correct my understanding - for it is wrong ~
All others before myself, decrease my self-concern ~
Increase my understanding and correct me ~
Please forgive my apathy towards Your Knowledge ~
And instill once again a fiery passion for Your Truth ~
Because it is Good ~
Discipline me, Oh, Lord ~
I give my reverence and awe to only You ~

Amen ~

Hungry

As I was reading the Big Book tonight, I kept being touched - moved to Truth about who God is. He is quite a man, I tell ya! Haha - that may sound silly, but as I read, I kept imagining Him surrounded by men, just shining. It was Him who was the one the other men looked up to; who they loved; who they worshipped - in the most beautiful sense of the word. A good little mental picture I'll carry with me always.

Here are some of the verses that stuck out to me - moved me - and often to tears.

"My wrath will not be poured out on Jerusalem through Shisnak. They will, however, become subject to him, so that they may learn the difference between serving me and serving the kings of other lands."

- 2 Chronicles 12: 7-8

This one caught me off guard and made me think. You have to ask yourself when you read this..."Is there a time I can remember being under someone's authority...and not realizing how beautiful God's authority is until I was no longer subject to the former?" It doesn't even compare. When God, my beautiful Lord, turned my heart toward Him - when He caused my heart to desire the things of His heart - well, I'd never been so thankful for anything in my entire life. The sentiment I am talking about is this; it is found in Psalm 119: 167:

"I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly."

It's so beautiful, isn't it? And here is the next one - this caused the mental picture I mentioned earlier:

"For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared; he is more awesome than all who surround him." - Psalm 89: 6-7 of Ethan

I can just imagine Him in his most holy place - whatever that looks like; beyond imaginable splendor I would suppose. Here is the next one - they are so good; I could keep this up all night:

"Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God." - 2 Chronicles 14: 11 of Asa from the line of David

Asa, after a long line of disobedient and reckless men in the house of David, sought the Lord and turned his back on the ways of his father, Abijah. It's just so cool. Look at that verse; Asa is just throwing his whole heart and life in God's hands, completely trusting in Him. I want to do that! Here's another - I exceptionally like this one:

"All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side." - 2 Chronicles 15: 15

Lucky number 15 - because this was also Asa's 15th year reigning over Judah. However, Israel was still subject to the line of Jeroboam, although many under Jeroboam's rule fled to Asa, because they saw that he was seeking God for his people. I love this, because it shows how beautiful an oath is when we make it wholeheartedly. Just think about marriage - many get married, because they think it's time to "settle." But when our oaths come from the pits of our heart - they make us shout for joy, they make us seek God, and they give us rest perhaps sometimes as well.

And lastly, here's one more scripture...I'm only putting it down because it made me laugh. It made Judah sound like a bunch of pirates!

"They plundered all these villages, since there was much booty there."

- 2 Chronicles 14: 14

Because I found so much laughter from the pirate verse, I'm throwing a picture that made me laugh just as hard...hope it makes you giggle!

Master & Husband

The young woman who spoke at church this evening made a great point - and I wanted to write it out for memories sake. It seems to feed off the theme of milk as infants, meat and potatoes as mature adults. I am paraphrasing her here, but it was quite similar to this:

"I was saved when I was young, 11, at a Christan camp. When I went back to my home it was hard, because my family was in the middle of falling apart. When I spent time reading scripture from then through to high school, I felt like God was "pow pow-ing" me right between the eyes every time with a new truth. It was as if he was holding me in his arms, like a child, and it's probably exactly what I needed as everything else in my life fell apart. He was shouting His words at me, so that I couldn't miss them.

But then...it was as if I couldn't hear Him anymore. I thought, 'Did He leave?' 'Where are You?' 'Why aren't You answering my prayers?' But then I realized He never left, He just wasn't shouting at me anymore. He was whispering. He was teaching me to pursue Him."

What do I see here? Intimacy. Growth. A new way for God to show His love to her. To me. To you. Do you ever feel as though He isn't answering your prayers? Perhaps it's time to listen more carefully. God wants us to know Him better. Here is the example she gave:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.

- Hosea 2:14-16

Looking at that last verse, this is what I see: God - He is ALWAYS your master, always. He will never leave you. But this is Him shouting - this is Him holding us tight, which we need a lot of the time. And it is good. But there is more. What you have seen that is good...there is much more. He doesn't just want to be your master, but your husband. It doesn't get much more intimate than that. This is God whispering - teaching you to pursue...isn't that beautiful? What does it look like to be intimate with God, I'm not quite sure...but I sure want to find out, because in finding out, I get to know Him more and I can honestly say that there's nothing more I want in this entire Creation.