Remove My Blindfold As You Please, Please God

It seems that I am digitally engraving my words once again upon this fine screen.

I am resting on the computer tonight, because I am afraid my handwritten wonderings won’t do speedy justice to their importance.

There are times when we find ourselves in the midst of personal growth.

If not growing, we are either standing complacent and confused or inching backward to see if we missed anything. O’ how we mistrust ourselves!

I will briefly explain, in case any other soul may read my thoughts and find great contrast in them, between right now and many months past, that my life, by no grace of my own, has sprung into a wild, passionate, flailing dance for truth and life.

Tonight and many other nights, I am blessed and sorrowful, all at once, by the movement of recent memories in my head – back and forth.

What to say of these dreamlike visions?

I ask myself very seriously, whether they be gifts, my feeble imagination, or temptations cloaked in good intention.

Let me describe the memories and arising questions that come into my mind tonight:

First, I think of Jeff. Does anyone remember Jeff?
He came into the picture a long while ago, perhaps 4 years. He left the picture that is my life no less than 3 years ago. We giggled and made small talk together – shared a few special moments, although never so much in words. We exchanged texts that said things like “I wish you were here so bad.” We made mistakes, or at least ones that I find brutal. He sent roses and I shut him out forever. How loving. I seem to have wore a blindfold from around the ages of 14 to 20 that made prevalent the darkness so much that I thought it was the sun. I periodically battle with myself, deciding whether or not to send him a token of my thoughts, expressing my sincere apologies if I had in any way inflicted him pain and explaining my naiveté of spirit – like that of a baby unborn. I assume he would not even know I had such trials inside of me at the time of knowing each other and undoubtedly, he would not expect it now.

I recall recalling all of this to my best friend at the time, who was so good and kind to me – like the comfort of an adjacent puzzle piece pressing into my cloudy dreams.

He was kind then. Gentle. Strong in mind and hopeful in heart. I failed him in so many ways that I regret having to even mention them now, after so much time has passed. But I was selfish and crude. Unseeking and lost in the depths of the forest. I don’t know for sure, but I think that the love he had for me then was real.

I will never know now, for he is far far away in body and spirit. God, strengthen his soul as you find pleasing.

Amen.