Talking Bollocks

The last couple weeks, although the normal struggles of life still exist and are out and about, the peculiarities of their annoyance have not been present. I realized last night that my overarching sense of peace and joy recently, even while the storms rage on about me, is an answer to a prayer. 

The prayer was this: that despite the ever-present things going on around me, I would be so exquisitely wrapped up in His love, they would naturally work out in my mind and heart without my constant attention and catering to them. When His outpouring love fills you, you consequentially outpour His love yourself into everything you do. Or in other words, the prayer was to focus on only what GOD will have me focus on and trust that He’ll work out the rest without my help.

After recently having multiple long conversations where the dialogue went through a series of unfruitful question-asking, answer-striving, and verbal processing, I became convicted that it was not glorifying to verbal process things when it is obvious that the spirit of wisdom is not present. How can we know the spirit of wisdom is not present in our conversations? 

  

"Talking Bollocks"

Well, as a simple answer (perhaps too simple), the conversation will lead into a whole lot of specifics about an issue, but will never quite reach a place of discussion about the core misconceptions of God - who He is and/or what He's doing in those situations right now. This misconception of Him is where the root of all the peculiar struggles lie all the while, sitting and hoping for us never to reach them. Or in other words: wisdom, given by the Holy Spirit (Isaiah 11:2,  1 Cor 12:8) is not present in a conversation when specific issues become the focus and not the root of the problem. Specifics leave too much room for our own power and control when they are not entrusted to God.

Here’s an example Christ set regarding the woman caught in adultery in John 8:

When the woman was brought to Jesus by the Pharisees for His judgment, just being caught committing adultery, how did He handle it? Did Jesus ask, “well who was she caught having sex with?” And did He ask, “how long has this been going on?” Did Jesus even ask anything in particular about the situation? No. Because the peculiarities were only mere manifestations of the root problem; that she was living in sin - Jesus did say that. That’s what we’ve really got to get to, isn’t it - the root sin of the issue - our basic misconception of God and/or our rebellion if we do know?

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." 
- John 15:2

It may be strange to think of these unfruitful branches as being even our own compulsion to engage in dialogue without wisdom, but because the power of life and death are in our words (Proverbs 18:21), it is no small request I make of the Lord to prune this compulsion from my heart and to be able to discern when wisdom is upon me.

To hear what wisdom has to say in the bible, read her words in Proverbs 8. Happy talking. May the glory of God be upon all our lips.

Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame

Over the past six weeks, I have been reading a book and going through a workbook called "Mending the Soul" by Steven and Celestia Tracy, respectively. There are about eight women in my group going through it together and we meet every Monday night for a couple hours to talk through the tough material. Some weeks are intellectually tough; some emotionally tough.

The reason we are all on this walk together at this time in our lives, although I'm sure we'll never know this in totality, is that we have a mind to be healthy volunteers for the mission of StreetLight Phoenix. StreetLight Phoenix provides a safehouse for minors rescued from the sex-trafficking industry,  which is needless to say, a heavy and horrifying situation. The point is to go through your own "healing process" (being willing and able to look at past abuse and hurts in your own life, asking God for His divine hand to heal your heart) before stepping in to walk alongside someone else in theirs.

This week we looked at shame in our lives - particularly attempting to sort through the difference between healthy, God-given shame and unhealthy, toxic shame. Here is a quote from Steven Tracy on healthy shame:

"Healthy shame sounds an internal foghorn that we are headed toward the jagged rocks. It is a gracious call to repentance."  

- "Mending the Soul," p 75

Paul describes healthy shame this way in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10...

"As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death."

In essence, healthy shame is a God-given warning to us of something truly not functioning the way He intended in our hearts and/or minds - leading us away from Him. Steven Tracy points out that on the other hand, unhealthy shame, or toxic shame, "distorts our sense of dignity as divine image bearers and drives us away from God." 

The problem is, toxic shame and healthy shame may feel so similar that it is difficult to distinguish between the two, especially when we have been fed false truths about who God is. Toxic shame is sneaky - it can quietly attach itself to almost any emotion or need so that it is hidden, making it difficult to recognize, let alone confront it. 

Here is an example of each in my own life:

Healthy Shame

I have felt healthy shame for: abusing alcohol, using harsh words, being promiscuous and immodest,  lacking in patience.

Toxic Shame

I have felt toxic, unhealthy shame for: not agreeing with people to their liking, not being "good enough" at this, that, and the other.

This picture adequately (...ok, MORE than adequately) describes the effects of toxic shame on the heart and mind:

One woman in my group tonight said one of her favorite phrases is "guilt is a choice." I thought this was profound. We often accept shame unquestioningly, not quite realizing it for it's ugly self. I pray to my Lord that I am able to reject guilt that is not owed me when I upset someone for not agreeing with them or do not seem competent in their eyes. This is toxic shame. It does not bring me closer to the One Who Saves nor to understanding the person He has created me to be, but rather, leaves a sense of hopelessness, confusion, and chaos in my heart.

"God is not a God of confusion but of peace." 

- 1 Corinthians 14:33

And so I will long for peace and never confusion. I will seek the Lord and no longer may shame cover my face. No longer. I am Yours, Oh my Lord!

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." 

- Psalm 34:4-5

This picture to me expresses what happens inwardly when healthy shame plays out - the world comes into view for how it is supposed to be (and your role in it), allowing you to repent from your current state and praise God (hallelujah!):

Breaking Bread Dream

 

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."  
- Job 36:16

While I'm aware that this may seem strange to some, I am no less inclined to share the contents of a dream I had last week. I know that many will find this encouraging and many more will find it puzzling. To me, well...let's just say that I don't really find anything per se...or anyone for that matter...but that He finds me, although I once was lost. The Lord God Almighty found me in the low place, that of humility.

Tuesday, July 6th, Fast Asleep:

I am in unfamiliar territory and have a brand new job; a bit nervous, a bit excited (note 1 - see below for interpretation notes). I had no idea what it would entail. I go to the owner as soon as I get there, it is a warm, but firm elderly woman, full of life - she looks like my grandma (note 2). It is as if she is my grandma with a happier, more selfless disposition. She gives me instructions for my work. First, I am to help lift the other elderly people around, help them up, care for them (note 3).

Promptly at a designated time, I am to switch to kitchen duty (note 4). We are going to be serving quite a few people, so prepare she tells me ! I am nervous, knowing I cannot cook for one barely, let alone many people (note 5)! We are no longer catering to elderly people, but now, we are catering to those of all ages and mostly around my age it seems. It is a big food court type of setting and my boss tells me that once a day, we feed as many people as come to us for free, no matter what financial situation their in. They're totally loaded? Great. They're totally poor? Even better. We're just here to serve. And my job, she says, is to serve them individually, take them food (note 6). She sends me on my way.

I'm not exactly sure what to be doing, but I see there is a basket full of hot bread, uncut. I don't know why, but I start breaking the bread in half with my hands, grabbing a container of butter, and meeting each guest at the door as they come in with the hot bread (note 7).
 

They have it as they go through the rest of the food and pick what they want and are satisfied, loved for, and welcomed (note 8). Many people come in I know, people who I have had bad relationships with, people who I have had good relationships with, they're all there. Some people sit alone, but not for long, because they are not afraid to scoot down to the people they don't know and feel comfortable and happy. No one is discontent, no one is alone, everyone is fed (note 9).

It is the end of the day, I did great she says, and go home. I am surprised by how quickly the day has ended (note 10).

Notes:

Click on links to go to scriptures.

1) This is your life & what God is doing and will do with it.  This is how you feel about it. Not a literal job; a spiritual role.

2) Represents God.

3) James 4:10 - Humility.

4) Promptness = discernment & knowing when to switch roles. Kitchen = being a part of what God is "cooking" up.

5) 2 Corinthians 12:10 - His strength in our weakness.

6) For more on food as a representation of the knowledge of God, go to this BLOG about muffins...

7)  Matthew 15:36 - Bread = Word of God, Bread of Life. To quote Louie McGeorge, "For the (bread) Word to be effective and bring forth life to others.....it must be broken.  This means you have embraced the word of the Lord and so give yourself to His plans and purposes......that He leads you into ways you are not familiar with.......often times your ideas and plans are "broken" before the Lord. when that occurs you come forth truly understanding and wanting only His will......Then this is where miracles, signs, and wonders happen."

8) Psalm 132:15 - Satisfied - how one feels after the bread is broken.

9) Job 36:16 - How it is when we sit at the banquet table of the Lord.

10) Purpose for dream :: What has happened by sharing the knowledge of God with others.
Side Note) A friend has a dream about breaking bread two weeks prior, unbeknownst to me until after my own dream.

Many notes provided by Justine McKnight :: read her BLOG.

 

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."- Luke 22:19

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."-John 6:35

Jesus, How I Long

I was overcome today with how much we have here in the United States - how blessed and fortunate we are. I have a holy fear of the knowledge that those who are comfortable now will be so no more, and those who struggle now, will be comforted and provided for in the end. I know that through my study of Job - the Lord can and does use suffering not as punishment for sin, but as a cleanser of the spirit. I pray to be cleansed. Jesus walked on this earth that you and I walk on, this dust. And in the end, He comes for us again and we shall bow in awe at His name.

Oh...my Lord...how You are so worthy. That You stooped so low to walk on this earth, amongst us fallen creatures. It was declared long before You came. Repeatedly. And You were coming. 

Job declared it long ago in the midst of his anguish, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth" (job 19:25). 

Oh, my lovely God - You Who are named Jesus. May I love You with all my heart, with all my might. May I long for You in each moment. May I long for the edge of Your robe. For the healing of You. For the calling of You. For the knowledge of You. For the heart of You and for Your will. May I long for You all my days. Lord, may You intensify my life and provide in it all the things that take me to You. May Your loving hand out-pour onto me now as I venture into Your blazing presence.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, my Father! Oh...sweet Holy Spirit, come upon us now that we may live and live abundantly!

I worship You. I will follow You anywhere.

 "How Wonderful" Leeland  Lifting hands in song and dance
Humbled by the glory of the cross
We've been redeemed and reconciled
Caught up in the splendor of it all
Eternal life You gave
So we will bring song of praise

How wonderful
How lovely is Your name
You captivate our hearts
You save us by Your grace

God of mercy, God of love
How we marvel at Your majesty
As we kneel before Your holy throne
In the beauty of Your mystery
We are children of the King
Father, of Your love we sing

And You are
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Closer than a brother, Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus
Oh, the name of Jesus

Prayer of Warfare

Holy Father -

You know that my heart has been right before You. I am under attack right now by the presupposition that You cannot teach us all things.

But that is not truth and You will not hide in the darkness and disparity of confusion; it is not possible for You.

You cannot see a thing that is pure and cover over it - like a disparaging dog kicking up the dirt to hide what it has found. 

Thank you Holy Spirit that You would uphold me while violence comes from every side. While my heart is being clawed at, You rest quietly and mightily...over me.

You rest over me.

It is as if the sounds raging outside of Your wings were merely murmurs. How is it that your stillness is stronger than all their bitter shouting?

The gnashing of teeth cannot even pierce Your shield that protects what You have already won victory over.

It is the way of man to hold onto his treasures and to wage war onto the parts of his heart that have not yet known Your touch - which brings healing.

But to overcome the LORD, his efforts have never known. There is but one I AM, and because the Lord Jesus is He, we can have life.

This is a bit how I feel - like I've been shot at a million

times, but I'm doing fine, because the Lord's got this one.

Thank you my Lord - 

all I need is Your lovin' 

:)

Who's Your Judge?

May 29th, 2010

I have not written in far too long and sometimes I think it's just a darn shame to not have some sort of record of the tough lessons learned, because y'know what? Tough lessons can be even tougher to learn a second time! My experience has been that if it can at all be laid out upon the table, the sooner that happens the better - as to take a step towards and for God with hopeful desperation for the purification that comes only from a relationship with Him.

And oh, how I cannot explain exactly how much I need that purification! Through the conviction that only the Holy Spirit brings to our hearts, I became aware recently that I have a major problem with judging others...I know! Yuck! Who am I to be the judge of another?

So when I realized I was having issues (needless to say, haha), I decided the best idea to solve them would be to first check and see what the Word of God had to say about all of this. These things may seem obvious to some, but here's what I found out - and it is good:

1 :: GOD IS JUDGE :: Not me.

And the heavens declare His righteousness,
For God Himself is judge. Selah.

Psalm 50:6

...I will execute judgments - I am the LORD.

Exodus 12:12b

2 :: A JUDGE GIVES THE LAW :: Therefore, I am not a judge!

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?

James 4:12

3 :: IT IS THE LAW IN OUR HEARTS GIVEN BY GOD TO NOT JUDGE :: Therefore, when I judge, I am putting myself above the law of God. not good...ng.

Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it.

James 4:11

4 :: HIS JUDGMENT IS JOYOUS & TRUE :: Mine is condemning and unfair. How can one sinner judge another?

Let the rivers clap their hands, let the mountains sing together for joy before the LORD, for He is coming to judge the earth; He will judge the world with righteousness and the people with equity.

Psalm 98:9

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

5 :: I DON'T HAVE TO BE JUDGE BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY JOB :: The Word judges and I have freedom from the responsibility.

For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

What have I learned from all of this? I am not a judge and I don't give the law. God has set a law in my heart to not judge my brothers and sisters, and when I do - I am putting myself above His law. When I judge, I don't even do a good job anyway, for I don't know the whole truth nor do I have the ability to judge fairly. After all that, I don't even have to be a judge nor do I want to - I am free to love! I love that. 

Completed

Today I had such a broken heart for the Lord. I was in a place of destitution; at an utter loss for how to handle my own day to day issues. But then there was this, read as the Psalm today at the beginning of church @ Praxis (Greek for practice):

Psalm 102:17

He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea.

When I woke up this morning, all that swept through my mind was "Which church do I go to? This one or that one? This one is this and that one is that, so which do I place myself in today? Which church do I go to?" It was a horrible feeling. I felt and still feel divided. This is something I do not want to be a normal part of life. However, I know I need not worry too much about it, for God knows exactly where I will be in the future and will place me there with a sure hand. All I need to do is keep my gaze on Him, follow Him...follow Jesus' lead...and trust in Him.

Psalm 9:10

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

As I was sitting in church, realizing just what a humbled and broken place the Lord had prepared me to be in this morning, I had a flashback to the night I accepted Christ. February 7th, 2009. For months and months I had struggled with "I believe in God, I see He has changed me, but I don't get what comes next." Well...what came next was realizing I did have a belief in Jesus as the Son of God. I did believe He died on the cross for my sins. I trusted in Him enough by this time to dedicate the rest of my life to following His lead and although I had no idea what that looked like...I still trusted Him. I trusted Him. His amazing grace empowered me, purified me, and helped me trust.

This morning at Praxis, I wept and confessed again how lost I was and craved to trust in Him with such a pure heart as I had on that first night. And as I sat there, something lovely and beautiful beyond description popped into my mind: I envisioned Jesus just sitting next to me, quiet. I envisioned myself curling into His loving arms as a child weeping before her father. And this came to mind:

Matthew 28:20

"...surely I am with you always..."

I was completely depraved and then I was completely comforted. Now I am completely set free.