Hungry

As I was reading the Big Book tonight, I kept being touched - moved to Truth about who God is. He is quite a man, I tell ya! Haha - that may sound silly, but as I read, I kept imagining Him surrounded by men, just shining. It was Him who was the one the other men looked up to; who they loved; who they worshipped - in the most beautiful sense of the word. A good little mental picture I'll carry with me always.

Here are some of the verses that stuck out to me - moved me - and often to tears.

"My wrath will not be poured out on Jerusalem through Shisnak. They will, however, become subject to him, so that they may learn the difference between serving me and serving the kings of other lands."

- 2 Chronicles 12: 7-8

This one caught me off guard and made me think. You have to ask yourself when you read this..."Is there a time I can remember being under someone's authority...and not realizing how beautiful God's authority is until I was no longer subject to the former?" It doesn't even compare. When God, my beautiful Lord, turned my heart toward Him - when He caused my heart to desire the things of His heart - well, I'd never been so thankful for anything in my entire life. The sentiment I am talking about is this; it is found in Psalm 119: 167:

"I obey your statutes, for I love them greatly."

It's so beautiful, isn't it? And here is the next one - this caused the mental picture I mentioned earlier:

"For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings? In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared; he is more awesome than all who surround him." - Psalm 89: 6-7 of Ethan

I can just imagine Him in his most holy place - whatever that looks like; beyond imaginable splendor I would suppose. Here is the next one - they are so good; I could keep this up all night:

"Lord, there is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this vast army. O Lord, you are our God." - 2 Chronicles 14: 11 of Asa from the line of David

Asa, after a long line of disobedient and reckless men in the house of David, sought the Lord and turned his back on the ways of his father, Abijah. It's just so cool. Look at that verse; Asa is just throwing his whole heart and life in God's hands, completely trusting in Him. I want to do that! Here's another - I exceptionally like this one:

"All Judah rejoiced about the oath because they had sworn it wholeheartedly. They sought God eagerly, and he was found by them. So the Lord gave them rest on every side." - 2 Chronicles 15: 15

Lucky number 15 - because this was also Asa's 15th year reigning over Judah. However, Israel was still subject to the line of Jeroboam, although many under Jeroboam's rule fled to Asa, because they saw that he was seeking God for his people. I love this, because it shows how beautiful an oath is when we make it wholeheartedly. Just think about marriage - many get married, because they think it's time to "settle." But when our oaths come from the pits of our heart - they make us shout for joy, they make us seek God, and they give us rest perhaps sometimes as well.

And lastly, here's one more scripture...I'm only putting it down because it made me laugh. It made Judah sound like a bunch of pirates!

"They plundered all these villages, since there was much booty there."

- 2 Chronicles 14: 14

Because I found so much laughter from the pirate verse, I'm throwing a picture that made me laugh just as hard...hope it makes you giggle!

Master & Husband

The young woman who spoke at church this evening made a great point - and I wanted to write it out for memories sake. It seems to feed off the theme of milk as infants, meat and potatoes as mature adults. I am paraphrasing her here, but it was quite similar to this:

"I was saved when I was young, 11, at a Christan camp. When I went back to my home it was hard, because my family was in the middle of falling apart. When I spent time reading scripture from then through to high school, I felt like God was "pow pow-ing" me right between the eyes every time with a new truth. It was as if he was holding me in his arms, like a child, and it's probably exactly what I needed as everything else in my life fell apart. He was shouting His words at me, so that I couldn't miss them.

But then...it was as if I couldn't hear Him anymore. I thought, 'Did He leave?' 'Where are You?' 'Why aren't You answering my prayers?' But then I realized He never left, He just wasn't shouting at me anymore. He was whispering. He was teaching me to pursue Him."

What do I see here? Intimacy. Growth. A new way for God to show His love to her. To me. To you. Do you ever feel as though He isn't answering your prayers? Perhaps it's time to listen more carefully. God wants us to know Him better. Here is the example she gave:

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.

- Hosea 2:14-16

Looking at that last verse, this is what I see: God - He is ALWAYS your master, always. He will never leave you. But this is Him shouting - this is Him holding us tight, which we need a lot of the time. And it is good. But there is more. What you have seen that is good...there is much more. He doesn't just want to be your master, but your husband. It doesn't get much more intimate than that. This is God whispering - teaching you to pursue...isn't that beautiful? What does it look like to be intimate with God, I'm not quite sure...but I sure want to find out, because in finding out, I get to know Him more and I can honestly say that there's nothing more I want in this entire Creation.

Without You I Am Blind

Father, my all good and eternal Father,
You have filled my heart with such love for others -
an overflowing spring, I am, with too much water to contain.
Oh, how you have honored my prayers, Lord.
My mind is lit with pure thoughts, it thinks of Your things.
The dark, sinful thoughts appear less, replaced by ways to glorify You.
But I cannot really glorify You Lord, can I?
It is You who is responsible for any goodness, not me.
I prayed to You, God - that You might use me.
You honor my requests, because You are faithful.

Lord, may I also ask of You this:
Why is there still such turmoil in the depths of my heart?
Why does my mind struggle so, in the presence of Your Grace?
Why, Lord? What use are these tears in my eyes to You?
I pray again, because You are gracious -
Show me my sin, Father -
show it to me so that I can understand it,
and in turn, submit it to You.
Lord, I desire to repent of this - but I am blind.
I cannot see anything without You.
I give this to You, Eternal Father,
so that You might shine Your light on it.

My hope is in You and from You and with You.
My eyes and ears, my heart and mind,
and my faith and trust...are in You, Jesus.
Come, fill up my heart with knowledge of You.
I can see You drawing me this way and not that.
Drawing something fantastic, but please...draw away,
So that I may see.

Amen.

Wild Wind Can't Fit In A Box

Lately, I’ve been a broken woman in the midst of my own self-realization; a pool of lies and disgusting sin. When you devote your life to God, you in turn devote your mind to learning about the life of Jesus and devote your heart to the workings of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I get lost in doing this.

I must confess that I was going about devotion all wrong. I was letting myself become “numb” to all the teachings, the words, the messages, the…everything. I was accepting them as common without understanding them fully. Is that how I came to know Christ? You can be sure that is absolutely not the case. Oh no, no, no. It came through a long series of talks, questions, and seeking. Why should I stop that now…now that I am Christian? Is that pleasing to God?

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t stop reading scripture or thinking constantly about it. But I was reading and thinking with a pre-acceptance of everything. I didn’t question. Today, as I was singing worship songs in church, I realized, “I don’t understand half of these concepts we are singing about.” Is it pleasing to God if I lift my voice, full of words I cannot claim to understand?

There is a quote I like that explains exactly what I have been doing these last couple weeks, though I cannot remember who said it. It went something along the lines of ‘I am dying of thirst next to the fountain.’ I have been continuously confused by my own confusion to understand the Lord lately.

Here He is, showing me my sin, and I have no idea what to do with it. I wasn’t ashamed, or guilt-stricken, but even worse…confused; upset that I couldn’t seem to make sense of it or change it. All I could think to do was confess it. Abraham Lincoln summed up this sentiment when he said:

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.”

I so badly wanted for God to just take away the sin so that I could be free of it and it’s confines. But you know what that does? It takes out the middle man – the understanding.

The whole point of this nonsensical seeming blurb was to say that I’ve been trying too hard to be what I think a “good Christian” is supposed to look like. But that’s not how God works…it is only in His timing that I learn about particular things. I’ve been going too hard on myself and not just enjoying where God has me.

I’ve been lacking the LOVE and ENCOURAGEMENT I became accustomed to receiving at home from my amazing friends. But what I didn't realize was...they were doing it through Him. So when I came here to New Zealand, I sought love and encouragement in new people and failed, while God was there all along cheering me on. He is the ultimate giver of such blessings. In Him is where we find them.

Lately, I’ve been thinking too hard and not letting Him show me the answers. The word usage of “spirit” in the bible derives from the Hebrew word for “wind” and “breath.” This is what the Holy Spirit is inside of us: a wild wind…a rush of living air. It is time to embrace Him and let Him loose, instead of boxing Him up. He is like a raging sea inside of us, just waiting for us to let go…

But that’s just lately.

Gracious Grace

I have been away from my writing for too long. It doesn’t feel right somehow to not…write to you, Lord. So, thank you Justine, my dearest friend, for challenging me to examine grace. “Grace” has always been a grey and abstract concept in my mind, so I’ve avoided it. But I’ve been called out for being timid and believing that I am too weak-minded to understand. God did not give any of us a mind that cannot grasp that which is glorifying to Him, and it is indeed glorifying to Him to know Him, understand Him, and confess that knowledge.

So here we go – Lord be with me as we clean up this muddy area. Grant me understanding.

First off, how did the idea of grace even get brought up in our conversation, Justine? We were talking about shame and guilt. Of these two things I have been the queen for far too long. Sometimes they surround me, like a room full of locked doors or drown me, like thick, heavy quicksand. There have been times when I was so ashamed I wished God would just strike me down right then and there. But did He? No, of course not. What did He do instead? He simply whispered into my ear, “confess.” Oh Father, you are so good. I am brought to my knees by your goodness. You humble my heart and take away the shame. Thank you God.

But before I could understand how grace applied to any of this gross shame/guilt stuff, I had to ask, “What is grace?” To that, I found many different answers. Not contradictory, but complementary instead. Just like the nature of man and the nature of God. So here is what I have discovered about the meaning of grace:

1) It originates from the same Hebrew word for “favor” or “gift.” So grace…is a gift. What kind of gift?

2) You never see “the grace of something or other” written in the bible. It’s simply written as “grace.” So, whatever is part of this gift is implied in the singular word. It’s a loaded word; hence, it must be a loaded gift. Well, it’s a gift from God, so what did we expect? (haha) Grace, what are you?

3) Grace is apparently not just the gift of one thing, as shown through the following verses, but many. Let’s look at the different things grace, this gift, can be:

A) Acts 18:27 says “On arriving, he was a great help to those who by grace had believed.” So we can see that believing is a gift. We do not believe without it.

B) Romans 3:23-24 says “For all have sinned…and are justified freely by his grace.” So this shows us that this gift includes justification. We are justified. No more self-justification or justification from God’s wrath? That sounds good. No more penalty (because being justified would imply paying something). What did I pay? Nothing. We are justified freely.

C) 2 Corinthians 1:2, amongst a plethora of other passages, says “Grace and peace to you from God.” I have found that grace, whatever this gift might be, is almost always referenced with “peace.” So grace and peace must be very closely related.

D) Galatians 2:21 says “I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” We can see here this grace, this gift of God, includes righteousness. Whoa. That’s big. Considering that what keeps us away from God is our sin, our neglect and lack of righteousness, and that our goal is to be closer to God, this is a big gift! Our Lord is giving us a way to be closer to Him! That’s exactly what I want.

E) Ephesians 2:7 says “…in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.” This shows that God’s grace is expressed through kindness. Our God is kind.

F) And last, but not least, Thessalonians 2:16-17 says “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” So grace is the gift of encouragement and hope for the rest of your days. Mmmm, that sounds goooooood.

Wooo! That’s a lot of information for my little head! Let’s take a breather. (big gulp of air) Ok, recap time: So, “grace” is a gift from God. This gift gives us tons of cool stuff: belief, justification, peace, righteousness, kindness, encouragement, hope…and it’s free. Let’s keep going, shall we?

4) What can we know about a gift given by God? Romans 11:29 tells us that “God’s gifts and His call are irrevocable.” His gifts can’t be reversed. Once it is given, it is given. Once it is done, it is done. Once it is finished…it is finished. Grace is final. All those things given to us are final. Forever. Encouragement? Hope? Yours for now and for always.

5) I think something that is extremely important to note is that rarely is the “grace of God” written about without being referenced to Jesus. Jesus seems to be central to grace. It is clearly through Him that we were given grace. John 1:17 says “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” This is where I make the mistake, being buried in the Old Testament constantly – to understand God, I must understand Jesus, duh!

6) How is such an amazing gift given by and through Jesus? Being rescued from a life of disbelief is a BIG deal. It must have cost a BIG price. Hebrews 2:9 says “But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.” Tasted death. That is a big price. This poor, beautiful man was given over to death. The lover of your soul and my soul. A God who can do nothing but good…died.

Man this is a long post. But that’s okay, it’s important. I want to finish confessing what I’ve learned about grace tonight and figure out how it applies to us all, everyday.

7) Can “grace” be forfeited even though it is free? Yes. Jonah 2:8 says “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” I’m not exactly sure how this works, but apparently by clinging to things not of God, we refuse to have our hearts renewed, which comes through Jesus. It is important to not take such a gift in vain.

8) This is an immense gift imparted on me and it is so good. How do I show grace to other people? Colossians 4:6 says “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” To show grace to others, we need to prepare ourselves to converse with flavorful answers – or in other words: truth. (I need more work on this!) Where does grace lie? According to John 1:3, grace, as well as mercy and peace, can be found in truth and love. Perfection.

God wants us to have hope, encouragement, love, kindness and so many other things in our lives…so He gave us grace. And He gave it to us through Jesus. And for all this He just asks us to love Him and seek Him with our whole-heart? I don’t understand, Lord. You are so kind. You are the literal epitome of kindness…but you love me. You have set me free from my disbelief and un-seeking heart – so free I must be (John 8:36)!

There is so much more I could say about grace, but let me just leave it with this: if God wants us to be all these things, then He must not want us to be ashamed and guilt-stricken. He just wants us to be humble…to have humility before Him, as we should…to not be afraid of this, for He loves us infinitely. I did not realize until today that shame and humility could be separate.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” If humility is what you ask for, humble-hearted I will be, Lord. I will not be ashamed, for You love me.

Amen, Hallelujah, Praise Jesus.

My heart is restored.

Clarity Leads to the Cross

I just got out of my class on Christian Theology and am thankful to be able to study about Jesus in a school setting, as savior, which by many universities standards, is an unimportant, irreverent study.

I feel somewhat safe in “opening up my ears” in this class, because the professor is a priest and philosopher, so although he may not know everything, like any human being, I am comforted by the fact that he has a general goal of explaining Truth to students through a godly perspective.

With that said, we were discussing early considerations of the understanding of Jesus as God and man while on earth. Throughout the lecture, I was keeping up with the material, yet becoming more confused. I asked Jesus to help me understand Him and prayed to help turn the confusion of His nature into clear ideas I could grasp. At the end of the lecture, we looked at the resolution reached at The Council of Chalcedon, which took place in 451 CE. It says this:

“In Christ there are two natures, human and divine, coexisting in one person, and the oneness of the person makes it appropriate to apply the predicates of either nature to the other.” This is the concept of ‘communicatio idiomatum’ or ‘communication of idioms’.

This made it so much clearer to me. I smiled and even got a bit teary-eyed as I listened to our teacher read us these words. Leo the Great stated it this way “[Jesus’] natures are separate principles of operation, though always acting in concert.” Or in other words, divine nature and the nature man was created with do not oppose, but are meant to work together perfectly. Man’s nature was meant to work in harmony with God. Therefore, Jesus with two natures, divine and temporal, worked within Him in concert, not opposing in any way.

As I grasped this idea, I allowed (actually, I couldn’t really help it) my mind to wander. It wandered to an image of the cross – the day Jesus was crucified. I credit the inspiration of this mental image to Nichole Nordeman’s song “Why,” which creates the picture of a little girl staring up at Jesus as he slowly dies, asking her dad, “Why doesn’t Jesus fight off these men? I thought you said He was stronger than all of them?” An extremely interesting song, perhaps for another blog? Anyway, I’ll continue.

So, this mental image, running like a movie in the concave of my forehead, was of me, standing in front of the cross, as Jesus hung dying. I was filled with anger and fury for all those people cheering on his demise and soaking up his pain, as if it were food for their devouring.

Full of hate, the next picture ran across my mind, like water to wine. I was clinging to Jesus with all my strength, hugging his cold body on the ground, still attached to the cross. I looked at Him like he were my best friend; the person I wanted to talk to first thing in the morning and last thing before I fell asleep. He was my ultimate source of joy, my teacher of love.

I stroked His face and wished I could take away His pain more than anything in the world. As I cried over His lifeless body, His eyes opened for a moment and looked right into my heart. He was surely dead, but He was also surely alive. After His eyes closed, my anger subsided. I didn’t feel hatred for these people around me! I felt hopeful and sad, despairing and love – all in one.

They were blind. Their eyes were open, but surely closed, just as Jesus was surely alive. They didn’t understand, for they were fools! Fools who didn’t understand goodness, love, light. They didn’t understand what Jesus had done, so they smirked and laughed at His crucifixion. They were more lost than me.

I was filled with compassion for their foolish hearts. They needed our Lord, the only true God, to fill them. To make them new. To teach them. To open their eyes. They needed God to teach them what love is. And I was there to help!

Lord, teach me to love, that all those I encounter see you dwelling in me. I want you to rest in me, as I so peacefully am granted to rest in you. Teach me to love Jesus.

Amen.

A Guy Just Trying To Find His Way

I met a young man last week with whom I can’t help but relate. We have hung out at least five times since we met and each time the conversation is interesting and rich, teeming at the brim with questions about religion. Tonight, something he said really stuck with me – it keeps echoing in my ears.

He told me his father is Jewish and his mother Catholic. When they married, neither would convert, but they compromised their beliefs by not following in the traditions of their faiths. They quit going to church or temple, quit taking up their daily cross, and quit observing the Sabbath. They thought in order to have a successful, loving marriage, this was necessary.

Double check: they felt it necessary to give up their faith in order to live in harmony. My heart groaned when he told me this. Never should a person have to give up their faith! But if one is willing to give up seeking the Lord, perhaps they never were seeking and following Him in the first place. Perhaps his parents were never really seeking at all, I don’t know.

This poor guy, as I can completely understand, is confused. With two parents of differing religions, two parents that cannot claim the ultimate truth in their own faith, it is a no wonder why he doesn’t know where to begin. Neither parent can answer nor witness to their own claimed faith. And neither parent finds truth enough in their own faith to search out these answers to lead their son in the right direction --- towards God. Towards Jesus. Lord, lead him to the cross. He is asking all the right questions. I just pray that you can use me to help answer those for him. I can see him struggling inwards for this peace you have given me. God, please, just love on him like you did on me.

This young man also said he felt everyone has a purpose in life and he thinks his is to get married. He feels that is the end goal of his life. And as I know it is a good, wonderful union to be married, it is not the end goal. When two people are married, the marriage itself shouldn’t be the purpose of their lives. The purposes of the two separate people should be one in the same: to seek to know and understand God for themselves and others, and in doing so, to glorify Him. When they marry each other with this same purpose in common, they get to be a team in seeking God! The ultimate partner. That is what he really wants. When I asked him if this sounded like it might be a good alternative to his current belief, he breathed in heavily and said, “That sounds glorious.” Why isn’t this man a Christian yet, I don’t know. But I have a feeling, God, that you’re working in him right now as we speak.

Back to his parents and their opposing worldviews, he said something else that was very interesting. He said, “I’m just confused. How can you be so sure of something?” And then in his own confusion he just kept mumbling, “Love.” He wanted to know why “love” couldn’t just be the center of a marriage. Lord, are you asking me to show him what love is? That it is not just a feeling towards someone? That it is a life-choice to seek to know and understand You for yourself as well as your husband or wife? That love is a choice to seek your Word through Jesus all the days of your life? Oh God, you are glorious. Show me the way, show me what to do.

Teach me. Use me. I am yours. Amen.