Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame

Over the past six weeks, I have been reading a book and going through a workbook called "Mending the Soul" by Steven and Celestia Tracy, respectively. There are about eight women in my group going through it together and we meet every Monday night for a couple hours to talk through the tough material. Some weeks are intellectually tough; some emotionally tough.

The reason we are all on this walk together at this time in our lives, although I'm sure we'll never know this in totality, is that we have a mind to be healthy volunteers for the mission of StreetLight Phoenix. StreetLight Phoenix provides a safehouse for minors rescued from the sex-trafficking industry,  which is needless to say, a heavy and horrifying situation. The point is to go through your own "healing process" (being willing and able to look at past abuse and hurts in your own life, asking God for His divine hand to heal your heart) before stepping in to walk alongside someone else in theirs.

This week we looked at shame in our lives - particularly attempting to sort through the difference between healthy, God-given shame and unhealthy, toxic shame. Here is a quote from Steven Tracy on healthy shame:

"Healthy shame sounds an internal foghorn that we are headed toward the jagged rocks. It is a gracious call to repentance."  

- "Mending the Soul," p 75

Paul describes healthy shame this way in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10...

"As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death."

In essence, healthy shame is a God-given warning to us of something truly not functioning the way He intended in our hearts and/or minds - leading us away from Him. Steven Tracy points out that on the other hand, unhealthy shame, or toxic shame, "distorts our sense of dignity as divine image bearers and drives us away from God." 

The problem is, toxic shame and healthy shame may feel so similar that it is difficult to distinguish between the two, especially when we have been fed false truths about who God is. Toxic shame is sneaky - it can quietly attach itself to almost any emotion or need so that it is hidden, making it difficult to recognize, let alone confront it. 

Here is an example of each in my own life:

Healthy Shame

I have felt healthy shame for: abusing alcohol, using harsh words, being promiscuous and immodest,  lacking in patience.

Toxic Shame

I have felt toxic, unhealthy shame for: not agreeing with people to their liking, not being "good enough" at this, that, and the other.

This picture adequately (...ok, MORE than adequately) describes the effects of toxic shame on the heart and mind:

One woman in my group tonight said one of her favorite phrases is "guilt is a choice." I thought this was profound. We often accept shame unquestioningly, not quite realizing it for it's ugly self. I pray to my Lord that I am able to reject guilt that is not owed me when I upset someone for not agreeing with them or do not seem competent in their eyes. This is toxic shame. It does not bring me closer to the One Who Saves nor to understanding the person He has created me to be, but rather, leaves a sense of hopelessness, confusion, and chaos in my heart.

"God is not a God of confusion but of peace." 

- 1 Corinthians 14:33

And so I will long for peace and never confusion. I will seek the Lord and no longer may shame cover my face. No longer. I am Yours, Oh my Lord!

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." 

- Psalm 34:4-5

This picture to me expresses what happens inwardly when healthy shame plays out - the world comes into view for how it is supposed to be (and your role in it), allowing you to repent from your current state and praise God (hallelujah!):