Talking Bollocks

The last couple weeks, although the normal struggles of life still exist and are out and about, the peculiarities of their annoyance have not been present. I realized last night that my overarching sense of peace and joy recently, even while the storms rage on about me, is an answer to a prayer. 

The prayer was this: that despite the ever-present things going on around me, I would be so exquisitely wrapped up in His love, they would naturally work out in my mind and heart without my constant attention and catering to them. When His outpouring love fills you, you consequentially outpour His love yourself into everything you do. Or in other words, the prayer was to focus on only what GOD will have me focus on and trust that He’ll work out the rest without my help.

After recently having multiple long conversations where the dialogue went through a series of unfruitful question-asking, answer-striving, and verbal processing, I became convicted that it was not glorifying to verbal process things when it is obvious that the spirit of wisdom is not present. How can we know the spirit of wisdom is not present in our conversations? 

  

"Talking Bollocks"

Well, as a simple answer (perhaps too simple), the conversation will lead into a whole lot of specifics about an issue, but will never quite reach a place of discussion about the core misconceptions of God - who He is and/or what He's doing in those situations right now. This misconception of Him is where the root of all the peculiar struggles lie all the while, sitting and hoping for us never to reach them. Or in other words: wisdom, given by the Holy Spirit (Isaiah 11:2,  1 Cor 12:8) is not present in a conversation when specific issues become the focus and not the root of the problem. Specifics leave too much room for our own power and control when they are not entrusted to God.

Here’s an example Christ set regarding the woman caught in adultery in John 8:

When the woman was brought to Jesus by the Pharisees for His judgment, just being caught committing adultery, how did He handle it? Did Jesus ask, “well who was she caught having sex with?” And did He ask, “how long has this been going on?” Did Jesus even ask anything in particular about the situation? No. Because the peculiarities were only mere manifestations of the root problem; that she was living in sin - Jesus did say that. That’s what we’ve really got to get to, isn’t it - the root sin of the issue - our basic misconception of God and/or our rebellion if we do know?

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." 
- John 15:2

It may be strange to think of these unfruitful branches as being even our own compulsion to engage in dialogue without wisdom, but because the power of life and death are in our words (Proverbs 18:21), it is no small request I make of the Lord to prune this compulsion from my heart and to be able to discern when wisdom is upon me.

To hear what wisdom has to say in the bible, read her words in Proverbs 8. Happy talking. May the glory of God be upon all our lips.

Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame

Over the past six weeks, I have been reading a book and going through a workbook called "Mending the Soul" by Steven and Celestia Tracy, respectively. There are about eight women in my group going through it together and we meet every Monday night for a couple hours to talk through the tough material. Some weeks are intellectually tough; some emotionally tough.

The reason we are all on this walk together at this time in our lives, although I'm sure we'll never know this in totality, is that we have a mind to be healthy volunteers for the mission of StreetLight Phoenix. StreetLight Phoenix provides a safehouse for minors rescued from the sex-trafficking industry,  which is needless to say, a heavy and horrifying situation. The point is to go through your own "healing process" (being willing and able to look at past abuse and hurts in your own life, asking God for His divine hand to heal your heart) before stepping in to walk alongside someone else in theirs.

This week we looked at shame in our lives - particularly attempting to sort through the difference between healthy, God-given shame and unhealthy, toxic shame. Here is a quote from Steven Tracy on healthy shame:

"Healthy shame sounds an internal foghorn that we are headed toward the jagged rocks. It is a gracious call to repentance."  

- "Mending the Soul," p 75

Paul describes healthy shame this way in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10...

"As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death."

In essence, healthy shame is a God-given warning to us of something truly not functioning the way He intended in our hearts and/or minds - leading us away from Him. Steven Tracy points out that on the other hand, unhealthy shame, or toxic shame, "distorts our sense of dignity as divine image bearers and drives us away from God." 

The problem is, toxic shame and healthy shame may feel so similar that it is difficult to distinguish between the two, especially when we have been fed false truths about who God is. Toxic shame is sneaky - it can quietly attach itself to almost any emotion or need so that it is hidden, making it difficult to recognize, let alone confront it. 

Here is an example of each in my own life:

Healthy Shame

I have felt healthy shame for: abusing alcohol, using harsh words, being promiscuous and immodest,  lacking in patience.

Toxic Shame

I have felt toxic, unhealthy shame for: not agreeing with people to their liking, not being "good enough" at this, that, and the other.

This picture adequately (...ok, MORE than adequately) describes the effects of toxic shame on the heart and mind:

One woman in my group tonight said one of her favorite phrases is "guilt is a choice." I thought this was profound. We often accept shame unquestioningly, not quite realizing it for it's ugly self. I pray to my Lord that I am able to reject guilt that is not owed me when I upset someone for not agreeing with them or do not seem competent in their eyes. This is toxic shame. It does not bring me closer to the One Who Saves nor to understanding the person He has created me to be, but rather, leaves a sense of hopelessness, confusion, and chaos in my heart.

"God is not a God of confusion but of peace." 

- 1 Corinthians 14:33

And so I will long for peace and never confusion. I will seek the Lord and no longer may shame cover my face. No longer. I am Yours, Oh my Lord!

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." 

- Psalm 34:4-5

This picture to me expresses what happens inwardly when healthy shame plays out - the world comes into view for how it is supposed to be (and your role in it), allowing you to repent from your current state and praise God (hallelujah!):

Breaking Bread Dream

 

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."  
- Job 36:16

While I'm aware that this may seem strange to some, I am no less inclined to share the contents of a dream I had last week. I know that many will find this encouraging and many more will find it puzzling. To me, well...let's just say that I don't really find anything per se...or anyone for that matter...but that He finds me, although I once was lost. The Lord God Almighty found me in the low place, that of humility.

Tuesday, July 6th, Fast Asleep:

I am in unfamiliar territory and have a brand new job; a bit nervous, a bit excited (note 1 - see below for interpretation notes). I had no idea what it would entail. I go to the owner as soon as I get there, it is a warm, but firm elderly woman, full of life - she looks like my grandma (note 2). It is as if she is my grandma with a happier, more selfless disposition. She gives me instructions for my work. First, I am to help lift the other elderly people around, help them up, care for them (note 3).

Promptly at a designated time, I am to switch to kitchen duty (note 4). We are going to be serving quite a few people, so prepare she tells me ! I am nervous, knowing I cannot cook for one barely, let alone many people (note 5)! We are no longer catering to elderly people, but now, we are catering to those of all ages and mostly around my age it seems. It is a big food court type of setting and my boss tells me that once a day, we feed as many people as come to us for free, no matter what financial situation their in. They're totally loaded? Great. They're totally poor? Even better. We're just here to serve. And my job, she says, is to serve them individually, take them food (note 6). She sends me on my way.

I'm not exactly sure what to be doing, but I see there is a basket full of hot bread, uncut. I don't know why, but I start breaking the bread in half with my hands, grabbing a container of butter, and meeting each guest at the door as they come in with the hot bread (note 7).
 

They have it as they go through the rest of the food and pick what they want and are satisfied, loved for, and welcomed (note 8). Many people come in I know, people who I have had bad relationships with, people who I have had good relationships with, they're all there. Some people sit alone, but not for long, because they are not afraid to scoot down to the people they don't know and feel comfortable and happy. No one is discontent, no one is alone, everyone is fed (note 9).

It is the end of the day, I did great she says, and go home. I am surprised by how quickly the day has ended (note 10).

Notes:

Click on links to go to scriptures.

1) This is your life & what God is doing and will do with it.  This is how you feel about it. Not a literal job; a spiritual role.

2) Represents God.

3) James 4:10 - Humility.

4) Promptness = discernment & knowing when to switch roles. Kitchen = being a part of what God is "cooking" up.

5) 2 Corinthians 12:10 - His strength in our weakness.

6) For more on food as a representation of the knowledge of God, go to this BLOG about muffins...

7)  Matthew 15:36 - Bread = Word of God, Bread of Life. To quote Louie McGeorge, "For the (bread) Word to be effective and bring forth life to others.....it must be broken.  This means you have embraced the word of the Lord and so give yourself to His plans and purposes......that He leads you into ways you are not familiar with.......often times your ideas and plans are "broken" before the Lord. when that occurs you come forth truly understanding and wanting only His will......Then this is where miracles, signs, and wonders happen."

8) Psalm 132:15 - Satisfied - how one feels after the bread is broken.

9) Job 36:16 - How it is when we sit at the banquet table of the Lord.

10) Purpose for dream :: What has happened by sharing the knowledge of God with others.
Side Note) A friend has a dream about breaking bread two weeks prior, unbeknownst to me until after my own dream.

Many notes provided by Justine McKnight :: read her BLOG.

 

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me."- Luke 22:19

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."-John 6:35