Without You I Am Blind

Father, my all good and eternal Father,
You have filled my heart with such love for others -
an overflowing spring, I am, with too much water to contain.
Oh, how you have honored my prayers, Lord.
My mind is lit with pure thoughts, it thinks of Your things.
The dark, sinful thoughts appear less, replaced by ways to glorify You.
But I cannot really glorify You Lord, can I?
It is You who is responsible for any goodness, not me.
I prayed to You, God - that You might use me.
You honor my requests, because You are faithful.

Lord, may I also ask of You this:
Why is there still such turmoil in the depths of my heart?
Why does my mind struggle so, in the presence of Your Grace?
Why, Lord? What use are these tears in my eyes to You?
I pray again, because You are gracious -
Show me my sin, Father -
show it to me so that I can understand it,
and in turn, submit it to You.
Lord, I desire to repent of this - but I am blind.
I cannot see anything without You.
I give this to You, Eternal Father,
so that You might shine Your light on it.

My hope is in You and from You and with You.
My eyes and ears, my heart and mind,
and my faith and trust...are in You, Jesus.
Come, fill up my heart with knowledge of You.
I can see You drawing me this way and not that.
Drawing something fantastic, but please...draw away,
So that I may see.

Amen.

Wild Wind Can't Fit In A Box

Lately, I’ve been a broken woman in the midst of my own self-realization; a pool of lies and disgusting sin. When you devote your life to God, you in turn devote your mind to learning about the life of Jesus and devote your heart to the workings of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I get lost in doing this.

I must confess that I was going about devotion all wrong. I was letting myself become “numb” to all the teachings, the words, the messages, the…everything. I was accepting them as common without understanding them fully. Is that how I came to know Christ? You can be sure that is absolutely not the case. Oh no, no, no. It came through a long series of talks, questions, and seeking. Why should I stop that now…now that I am Christian? Is that pleasing to God?

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t stop reading scripture or thinking constantly about it. But I was reading and thinking with a pre-acceptance of everything. I didn’t question. Today, as I was singing worship songs in church, I realized, “I don’t understand half of these concepts we are singing about.” Is it pleasing to God if I lift my voice, full of words I cannot claim to understand?

There is a quote I like that explains exactly what I have been doing these last couple weeks, though I cannot remember who said it. It went something along the lines of ‘I am dying of thirst next to the fountain.’ I have been continuously confused by my own confusion to understand the Lord lately.

Here He is, showing me my sin, and I have no idea what to do with it. I wasn’t ashamed, or guilt-stricken, but even worse…confused; upset that I couldn’t seem to make sense of it or change it. All I could think to do was confess it. Abraham Lincoln summed up this sentiment when he said:

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.”

I so badly wanted for God to just take away the sin so that I could be free of it and it’s confines. But you know what that does? It takes out the middle man – the understanding.

The whole point of this nonsensical seeming blurb was to say that I’ve been trying too hard to be what I think a “good Christian” is supposed to look like. But that’s not how God works…it is only in His timing that I learn about particular things. I’ve been going too hard on myself and not just enjoying where God has me.

I’ve been lacking the LOVE and ENCOURAGEMENT I became accustomed to receiving at home from my amazing friends. But what I didn't realize was...they were doing it through Him. So when I came here to New Zealand, I sought love and encouragement in new people and failed, while God was there all along cheering me on. He is the ultimate giver of such blessings. In Him is where we find them.

Lately, I’ve been thinking too hard and not letting Him show me the answers. The word usage of “spirit” in the bible derives from the Hebrew word for “wind” and “breath.” This is what the Holy Spirit is inside of us: a wild wind…a rush of living air. It is time to embrace Him and let Him loose, instead of boxing Him up. He is like a raging sea inside of us, just waiting for us to let go…

But that’s just lately.