I’ want that with God. Fellowship. To have similar desires; for Him to look at me and say “Ahhh, finally. She is learning to act in accordance with her nature, which I have created.”
But…we don’t always get what we want, eh? And that is just the problem. We want what we want, when we want it, and how we want it. In order to find harmony with God, we must desire His desires – and let them be greater than our own.
I struggle with this constantly, every day of my life. I see that God’s ways are good – oh so good. And I see that my ways are evil, disgusting and shameful. I wish I could just desire His desires already. I want Him to transform me. Mold me into something beautifully crafted for the progression of His plan, whatever it may be.
But somehow, I cannot let go of myself. I have come to love, even enjoy being in the dark, without Him, without light, without goodness. It is utterly terrifying.
Although God loves us more than we can fathom, He cannot have fellowship with us when we walk away from Him. Or in other words; when we walk away from the light and into the darkness. Because see, “light,” used here, can we exchangeable for wisdom, goodness, love, perfection and truth. God is purely light – and anything not of Him (the absence of Him), well, it is dark. His light cannot dwell where it is not dwelling, not in the dark. In all of his righteousness, God cannot possibly allow darkness to enter his sanctuary. And when we are dark – we cannot enter.
It is simply impossible, you see. For God’s light is eternal: with no beginning and no end. It is complete in itself forever and ever. So as much as God loves us and yearns for a relationship with us, He simply will not force us into one, as long as we choose to walk towards darkness, towards His absence.
Of course, He could chase after us – send His light booming along the ground by our feet, so that we may not fall. But sometimes, inevitably, we choose to not look. We do not want His help, his kindness. We are proud and are positive we can walk alone, without God.
The topic of light and darkness consequentially brings up a new and heavy subject of concern for me recently; the topic of a renewed heart. My question is – is it true that without a renewed heart, given to some by God’s grace, it is impossible to seek God? If so…it doesn’t seem quite fair, now does it? Hopefully a post will be following this one soon with more questions (but this time, with answers)!
Please God, teach me to desire your desires. Teach me the difference between darkness and light; evil and goodness; love for myself and love for you, love for others. I pray these things tonight. Amen.
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